After writing a few of these posts I've thought a bit about how people are creative in different ways. I've never really thought of myself as someone who can write much but these last few days have changed that for me. Sure I'm not writing thousands of words or big long detailed discussions on subjects but I think I'm getting my point across when I get down to it.
I think the idea I'm trying to express here is that everyone has their own way of being creative. For writing the most obvious way is usually fictional and I know some very talented people that way. The things they come up with that can so eloquently describe situations, emotions and just life in general make me in awe of their ability. I tried when I was younger and soon found difficulty with coming up with even an idea of the who, what, when, why etc to write about. Not to mention my grasp of the English language at that time was not as broad as it is now.
This kind of writing though comes much easier to me, describing myself, the things I know, the feelings I have experienced. Basically anything and everything in my life. The process of writing it down allows me to think clearly about it and try and explain the whole thing so that someone else would understand it. In doing so I understand myself better and in turn hope to become a better person.
Moving on to more of a tangent if you think about creativity in a bigger sense the vast majority of people have some form within them, you just need to find an outlet. My main method has always been in making computers do things. I first started playing around with them sometime in the late 70s early 80s when I was still a young child. It fascinated me that you could tell these things what to do and without fault they would do it. That feeling of control and seemingly limitless possibility all in this simple machine set my mind on fire. From that young age I knew what I wanted to do with my life and have pursued that right up to the present day.
How can something so supposedly rigid and formal be creative though? You don't realise it until you really have done as much as I have. Over the years I've probably written tens or hundreds of thousands of lines of code, I have no way of knowing for sure. In all that time you create things, methods and algorithms to solve problems. There are those times in all that certainty of logic that you come across something that is so elegant in its design and just basic code layout that you become fascinated that something so complex can be expressed in such a simple manner. There is no way to teach or learn how to do that. There is no mathematical way to describe it (although people still try, those were probably the most dull lessons at university, trying to mathematically describe creativity), there is no predetermined logic to follow, there is just this inspired design that you could say moves you in an almost emotional way. That part of writing code can make you feel it is an art form rather than an exact science.
To sum up what I'm expressing on this post is that despite how creativity is seen normally, with artists, writers, actors etc everyone has their own way of being creative and it simply needs to be observed with the right perspective to be understood. I really believe most people have some form of it in them they just need to find it. One of life's greatest frustrations is not being able to find that thing that lets that part of you express itself.
There we go, not bad for a bit of musing during my lunch break huh? I'm a philosophical bugger sometimes, probably always have been in some ways given I'm the quiet type (you know, the type people always tell you to look out for :-) ).
Monday, January 31, 2011
What is in a name?
Some names inherently mean a lot to people and others you hear and instantly forget about even if you interact with that person regularly. For reasons I'm not going to explain the name Sheppard has very mixed feelings for me, more specifically John Sheppard. It brings up some good memories and some very painful memories. All that power in a single name, whether I read it or hear it.
Just this last week though I've started to form some new memories about that name that will in time I think make the painful memories less distinct. How you ask? Simple really, I started playing a new game (well to me anyway) Mass Effect 2 where the main character of the game is named Shepard (yes I know, it is spelled differently but pronounced exactly the same). One advantage of this game though is that you can either play through it as either a male or female character.
Given the choice I always enjoy playing through games as both genders, males since I can pretend to be someone I would want to be and females since I can be someone I would like to be with. Sounds a little strange yes but that is just the way I play. For this game though I immediately picked a female character and customised her to my liking. I'm playing her as a considerate, caring, principled and all round good person since I never find any real fun in doing the "evil" or "bad" morality choices in games. The story and conversations with other people in the game world are interesting and well acted (the voice actress for the main character is so much better than the male version it is laughable).
Overall I'm enjoying playing through the game a lot and can see myself spending a long time with this particular game. With that I'm forming all sorts of good new memories and I associate with the name Shepard. This is why I said in time the other memories I really don't want to bring to the forefront every time I hear that name will fade. In their place will be these newer, fresher and all over happier memories that will help me move on beyond the pain.
With all that said I would therefore like to introduce my character from the game, Joan Shepard.
The picture is a little blurry since it was taken with a camera phone from my TV, not the best way to do it but it worked. Yes I also know I picked a redhead with green eyes, a particularly faviourite combination of mine, since I figured if I'm going to watch this character for dozens of hours while playing this game I should at least make it nice to look at (men are shallow like that sometimes, no big news there).
There we go, one more thought process written about and aired to the world. It is amazing how liberating and enjoyable this is. I owe my friend who suggested I start this blog a great big thank you.
Just this last week though I've started to form some new memories about that name that will in time I think make the painful memories less distinct. How you ask? Simple really, I started playing a new game (well to me anyway) Mass Effect 2 where the main character of the game is named Shepard (yes I know, it is spelled differently but pronounced exactly the same). One advantage of this game though is that you can either play through it as either a male or female character.
Given the choice I always enjoy playing through games as both genders, males since I can pretend to be someone I would want to be and females since I can be someone I would like to be with. Sounds a little strange yes but that is just the way I play. For this game though I immediately picked a female character and customised her to my liking. I'm playing her as a considerate, caring, principled and all round good person since I never find any real fun in doing the "evil" or "bad" morality choices in games. The story and conversations with other people in the game world are interesting and well acted (the voice actress for the main character is so much better than the male version it is laughable).
Overall I'm enjoying playing through the game a lot and can see myself spending a long time with this particular game. With that I'm forming all sorts of good new memories and I associate with the name Shepard. This is why I said in time the other memories I really don't want to bring to the forefront every time I hear that name will fade. In their place will be these newer, fresher and all over happier memories that will help me move on beyond the pain.
With all that said I would therefore like to introduce my character from the game, Joan Shepard.
The picture is a little blurry since it was taken with a camera phone from my TV, not the best way to do it but it worked. Yes I also know I picked a redhead with green eyes, a particularly faviourite combination of mine, since I figured if I'm going to watch this character for dozens of hours while playing this game I should at least make it nice to look at (men are shallow like that sometimes, no big news there).
There we go, one more thought process written about and aired to the world. It is amazing how liberating and enjoyable this is. I owe my friend who suggested I start this blog a great big thank you.
Monday morning random thoughts
Just sat down after getting to work and decided to write down some random things to start off the work week.
- My body clock hates me, it keeps waking me up at just gone 4am even on the weekends. During the work week this is not problem but for gods sake body let me sleep in a bit on days I don't have to go in to work.
- I'm back down under 180 lbs, if I can get to close to 170 I'll be where I was when I was in my late teens and twenties.
- My new phone rules, having an actually useful smart phone rocks. Getting rid of my crappy company phone has been a relief.
- My cat Lucy gets so excited when I feed her, she curls her tail up above her it could almost be a sun shade.
- Honey Nut Cheerios are seriously tasty. I tried them for the first time last week and now seem to be addicted.
- People post a lot of drivel on Facebook, makes me wonder how dumb people actually are. There are a few intelligent articulate people around and thank god I've found a few.
- I have no idea how many more things I'm going to write here this morning, I seem to be just going and going.
- I cried at the end of a film again this weekend since it ended with a father being reunited with his children, I'm such a sap when it comes to that kind of thing.
- How hard is it to get a clock right? The clock in my car seems to gain a minute every few months. I got to work this morning and compared the time in my car to my phone and it was 4 minutes fast.
Friday, January 28, 2011
Lets leave my fans hanging :)
Time for me to wrap up this week and go be as lazy as humanly possible for the weekend so no more posting for me for a few days. Yes I know you are all so so disappointed and were waiting with baited breath for my next missive but that's life for you.
Until next time when my brain starts getting verbal diarrhea. (That sounds wrong, how can it be verbal when this is written, need to think of a better way to say that).
Until next time when my brain starts getting verbal diarrhea. (That sounds wrong, how can it be verbal when this is written, need to think of a better way to say that).
I'm a decision making machine
Early in my life when I was a young child I used to hate having things happen to me that I didn't know where going to happen. If my parents wanted to go somewhere they would have to tell me a few days before that it was going to happen otherwise I would about outright refuse to go even if it was something fun.
Compared to then I now handle things like that every day and decide to do things much more impulsively for want of a better word. The decision I've just made after deciding last night to change my life is to seek out some help. By help I mean professional help, someone who I can talk to in order to help me work out my feelings, help guide me on what to do. I don't want to make a rash decision but I'm determined to do something to make things change and talking to it calmly and thoughtfully seems the best things to do.
Compared to then I now handle things like that every day and decide to do things much more impulsively for want of a better word. The decision I've just made after deciding last night to change my life is to seek out some help. By help I mean professional help, someone who I can talk to in order to help me work out my feelings, help guide me on what to do. I don't want to make a rash decision but I'm determined to do something to make things change and talking to it calmly and thoughtfully seems the best things to do.
Introducing the family
Time for some cat pictures since that is what every good blog needs. I'm going to introduce my four lovely balls of fur and fun. First up is the big boy of the lot being the oldest and biggest Boots.
Boots is 11 years old and a very mellow if whiny cat. He is also quite large weighing in 18lbs or so but not fat at all, he really is that big. Next up is his "brother" Fudge.
Fudge is extremely friendly once he gets to know you but is very skittish otherwise. He jumps when something loud comes on the TV. He is also about 18lbs but is mostly belly and fur. Seriously, I can lose my entire index finger in his fur and not hit flesh. We call him Boots' brother since he is the same breed and close to the same age (11 years old as well but 5 months younger) and we did actually have a real brother of Boots at one time but I'll talk more about him in a bit.
Next up is the first of the two newest additions Daisy. She has been part of the family for almost two months now.
Daisy is coming up to 8 months old now and is barely 5lbs. The size difference between her and Boots is quite startling. The other cat is Daisy's sister Lucy.
I don't have a picture of just her to hand right now but she is on the left of this picture. She is a little bit bigger than Daisy at just over 6lbs now and has to be with you at all times. I get up in the morning and she runs up to me and tries to climb up me. She won't relent until I pick her up and fuss her, she really is a people person.
I did mention before that we had a brother of Boots. When we got him we actually got his brother as well from the same litter, he was called TipTup (yes I named my cat after a character from a videogame, I'm that sad). He contracted FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis) when he was 4 months old and died by the time he was 5 months after it basically destroyed his nervous system. Seeing a small kitten die like that was soul crushing, even for Boots who would wander the house after TipTup died trying to get in to any room or cupboard in the house to look for him. It is the thing that led to getting Fudge so that Boots would not be alone. The two boys don't get along perfectly but they kept each other company. This picture below is of Boots and TipTup (who is obviously on the left) when they were 4 month old kittens.
Boots is 11 years old and a very mellow if whiny cat. He is also quite large weighing in 18lbs or so but not fat at all, he really is that big. Next up is his "brother" Fudge.
Fudge is extremely friendly once he gets to know you but is very skittish otherwise. He jumps when something loud comes on the TV. He is also about 18lbs but is mostly belly and fur. Seriously, I can lose my entire index finger in his fur and not hit flesh. We call him Boots' brother since he is the same breed and close to the same age (11 years old as well but 5 months younger) and we did actually have a real brother of Boots at one time but I'll talk more about him in a bit.
Next up is the first of the two newest additions Daisy. She has been part of the family for almost two months now.
Daisy is coming up to 8 months old now and is barely 5lbs. The size difference between her and Boots is quite startling. The other cat is Daisy's sister Lucy.
I don't have a picture of just her to hand right now but she is on the left of this picture. She is a little bit bigger than Daisy at just over 6lbs now and has to be with you at all times. I get up in the morning and she runs up to me and tries to climb up me. She won't relent until I pick her up and fuss her, she really is a people person.
I did mention before that we had a brother of Boots. When we got him we actually got his brother as well from the same litter, he was called TipTup (yes I named my cat after a character from a videogame, I'm that sad). He contracted FIP (Feline Infectious Peritonitis) when he was 4 months old and died by the time he was 5 months after it basically destroyed his nervous system. Seeing a small kitten die like that was soul crushing, even for Boots who would wander the house after TipTup died trying to get in to any room or cupboard in the house to look for him. It is the thing that led to getting Fudge so that Boots would not be alone. The two boys don't get along perfectly but they kept each other company. This picture below is of Boots and TipTup (who is obviously on the left) when they were 4 month old kittens.
Something I like
This post may seem a little sexist or objectifying but what the fuck I don't care. I've always had an affinity for a certain look with women and unlike what the media likes to portray as beautiful or sexy I don't agree with the supposed "consensus" that is out there. Consider the following picture.
She looks nice right? Not bad I would say, a good figure if a little skinny but to me the blond hair just seems wrong. Now consider the next picture of the same person.
To me this crosses over from nice looking to OMFG gorgeous. Simple things like the hair colour (yes I have a real thing for redheads), the simple yet feminine clothes (other than the slightly fugg shoes) and the less overdone makeup all make it much more appealing. Some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in real life were wearing no makeup at all.
Told you this post would be shallow and slightly sexist but this is one of the things that is on my mind right now so I'm writing about it.
She looks nice right? Not bad I would say, a good figure if a little skinny but to me the blond hair just seems wrong. Now consider the next picture of the same person.
To me this crosses over from nice looking to OMFG gorgeous. Simple things like the hair colour (yes I have a real thing for redheads), the simple yet feminine clothes (other than the slightly fugg shoes) and the less overdone makeup all make it much more appealing. Some of the most beautiful women I have ever seen in real life were wearing no makeup at all.
Told you this post would be shallow and slightly sexist but this is one of the things that is on my mind right now so I'm writing about it.
I made a decision last night
Getting home from work yesterday I was pretty wiped. After getting dinner and doing a few chores I collapsed on the sofa until about 8pm. By then I was totally exhausted physically and emotionally so I basically became unconscious as soon as I climbed in to bed. I go to bed quite early anyway since I get up at 4:30am every day to go to work but this was even earlier than usual.
A couple of hours later my wife came to bed non too quietly and kindly woke me up so I ended up with some time to think about things again. By the time midnight had come around I had made my decision and now all I have to do is work out how I'm going to make it happen. Basically I need to change something in my life that has been making me miserable for years now but do it without hurting those around me. If I don't make this change I am not going to survive emotionally anymore.
I'm not going to go in to any details since only a few people need to know that but writing this down here makes this more real and will prompt me not to be a chickenshit and back out of something just because it might hurt. Time to see what my life is going to become.
A couple of hours later my wife came to bed non too quietly and kindly woke me up so I ended up with some time to think about things again. By the time midnight had come around I had made my decision and now all I have to do is work out how I'm going to make it happen. Basically I need to change something in my life that has been making me miserable for years now but do it without hurting those around me. If I don't make this change I am not going to survive emotionally anymore.
I'm not going to go in to any details since only a few people need to know that but writing this down here makes this more real and will prompt me not to be a chickenshit and back out of something just because it might hurt. Time to see what my life is going to become.
Thursday, January 27, 2011
I'm writing stuff again
I'm pretty good at my job, I've managed to stay employed at the same company for almost 17 years now. However one thing annoys me about the working life. Why do I have to work a certain number of hours? I'm given work to do, I get it done and there is time left over. I'm not paid hourly but have a fixed salary so the number of hours thing is purely a way for my company to get "value for money" out of me. It's annoying, I want to go and relax (or at least as much as I can given my home life) but traditional work concepts force me to stay here sitting on my arse.
This mini rant brought to you by me being bored out of my mind with nothing to do for the next hour and a half here at the office.
This mini rant brought to you by me being bored out of my mind with nothing to do for the next hour and a half here at the office.
Shit that has happened to me
Bad things happen in life every now and then. Some of them turn out to be good things in the end. Consider the following two images.
That's one pretty crunched up car right? So crunched up the insurance company wrote it off rather than try to repair it. Basically one December evening on the way back from Walmart traffic stopped, I stopped, the lady in the two ton SUV behind me busy admiring the Christmas lights across the road didn't stop. Wham she went in to the back of me at 40mph, pushing me in to the pickup truck in front of me which got pushed in to the vehicle in front of him. I got out with no scratch at all even though the back window had shattered glass all over me, my glasses had been thrown from my face and were sitting by the front windscreen and the frame of the car ended up being bent.
How do I classify this as a good thing you ask? I'll point out the following good points that came from this:-
1) Other than a fricking sore neck for a few days I walked away from this unharmed.
2) The car had 105000 miles on it and was coming to the end of a 60000 mile lease. With it being written off the insurance covered all of it with no cost to me.
3) It allowed me to go on to purchase my current car (ok SUV) which I still have after 7 years and coming up to 210000 miles and I'm still loving it.
4) The lady who hit me immediately admitted responsibility and other than one phone call to my insurance company it was all dealt with easily.
5) I could have been in my other car at the time, a BMW roadster. If you can see the back of the car the SUV that hit me didn't touch my rear bumper. If I had been in that BMW then she would have ridden over the back of me and potentially on top of me resulting in potentially serious injury.
So there you have it. How something shitty that happened to me actually turned out all well and good in the end. It also helps that I always try to see the positive in situations which couldn't be helped here.
That's one pretty crunched up car right? So crunched up the insurance company wrote it off rather than try to repair it. Basically one December evening on the way back from Walmart traffic stopped, I stopped, the lady in the two ton SUV behind me busy admiring the Christmas lights across the road didn't stop. Wham she went in to the back of me at 40mph, pushing me in to the pickup truck in front of me which got pushed in to the vehicle in front of him. I got out with no scratch at all even though the back window had shattered glass all over me, my glasses had been thrown from my face and were sitting by the front windscreen and the frame of the car ended up being bent.
How do I classify this as a good thing you ask? I'll point out the following good points that came from this:-
1) Other than a fricking sore neck for a few days I walked away from this unharmed.
2) The car had 105000 miles on it and was coming to the end of a 60000 mile lease. With it being written off the insurance covered all of it with no cost to me.
3) It allowed me to go on to purchase my current car (ok SUV) which I still have after 7 years and coming up to 210000 miles and I'm still loving it.
4) The lady who hit me immediately admitted responsibility and other than one phone call to my insurance company it was all dealt with easily.
5) I could have been in my other car at the time, a BMW roadster. If you can see the back of the car the SUV that hit me didn't touch my rear bumper. If I had been in that BMW then she would have ridden over the back of me and potentially on top of me resulting in potentially serious injury.
So there you have it. How something shitty that happened to me actually turned out all well and good in the end. It also helps that I always try to see the positive in situations which couldn't be helped here.
Another step forward
I came to live and work in the USA a little over 13 years ago now. In that time I've made a life here and have have been living here as a permanent resident (i.e. green card holder) since 2001. That card is expiring next year so I've decided to become a US citizen (well actually a dual British/US citizen) and so have just started filling in the paperwork I need to file to do this. It all looks very simple to be honest and is the logical thing to do. I suspect I'll always think of myself as English/British but such a large part of who I am is tied up with this country I want to be able to stay here for the long term (like 13 years isn't long :-) ).
It is interesting to think that I got a job at this company due to me answering a random phone call from a temp agency for a "2 week assignment" that turned in to 8 months, that turned in to a full time job, that led to 3 and a half years before a trip to the USA for work, that led to an off the cuff interview that led to moving countries. I've been here ever since with the same company making a life.
It is interesting to think that I got a job at this company due to me answering a random phone call from a temp agency for a "2 week assignment" that turned in to 8 months, that turned in to a full time job, that led to 3 and a half years before a trip to the USA for work, that led to an off the cuff interview that led to moving countries. I've been here ever since with the same company making a life.
Kids and games
I'm not sure how this post is going to turn out but it is something I want to write down. I'm not going to talk about the bullshit argument that videogames are bad for children or cause them to be violent murdering psychopath. I'm going to talk about my experience with one game in particular and how it relates to me and my situation.
First though a bit more background information about me. As I mentioned in my introductory post I am a married man with no children. My wife has always been certain she didn't want children and at the young age I was when I met and married her I had never given it much thought. This led to us never having any children and as time has passed I've started to regret that decision as the biggest mistake I have made in my life. As things are now in my life, due to a variety of reasons, I am never going to be a father.
Anyway, enough about that for now, I'll move on to the game I want to talk about, Heavy Rain . This is a game that I played last year that had more of an impact on me than almost any other game I have ever played and I've played a lot. The game revolves around four different characters and the search for a serial killer who kidnaps and kills children. Yeah, it's a pretty dark game.
The one character I'll describe is the one that pertains to what I have to talk about. At the start of the game he is a married man with two sons aged roughly 8 and 10. The opening chapter of the game is pretty simple, it shows this father doing some work, greeting his wife and children as they get home, helping his wife get dinner ready and playing with his sons in the back garden. Pretty normal happy family life. The end of the chapter however is where the game turns dark. The family takes a trip to the mall and the father and mother each take one son each and go to different parts of the mall to buy items. The son that is with the father then sees a balloon seller and begs his father to buy him one, which he dutifully does. However as the father is paying for the balloon the son wanders off and the father does not realise until he turns around and sees the balloon bobbing off in the crowds in the distance. The game then has you frantically pushing through the crowds, trying to find your son and leaving you feeling pretty helpless. It all culminates in a scene where the father spots his son walking out the front door of the mall, seeing his son run out in to the road and getting hit by a car. You don't actually see the child get hit, just the reaction of the father as it happens which makes it all the more heart wrenching.
The game then picks up a couple of years later and you are shown that the marriage didn't survive the death of one son and the father is now on a downward spiral. You are then given control of the father once again as he gets his scheduled time with his other son who seems withdrawn and distant from his father. In order to try and cheer up the situation the father takes his son to the local park to play. Again the father becomes distracted at one point and his remaining son gets kidnapped (you would think he would be more careful but this is one of the weaker plot points in the game) and it quickly becomes apparent that the serial killer has taken his son.
The next part of the game is where your emotions really get thrown around as through a slightly set of contrived circumstances the father is forced by the killer to perform a series of actions to see how far he will go to save his son. The killer gives clues as to the whereabouts of his son if the father will do some things. The first one is that the killer makes the father break the law in a dangerous way by driving the wrong way down the freeway. I could do that with relative ease since what the heck, its only a game right. The next couple involve getting through simple physical pain, one involving crawling down glass strewn air vents and the other by forcing the father to cut off a finger. I see no problem in doing those things to rescue your child since physical pain is transitory, emotional pain is what can scar you for life. The way I was empathising with the father at that point I pushed on.
The next and penultimate test is one I had to reject. You were asked to kill a man without knowing who he was, why the killer wanted him dead or anything like that. I'm a strictly non violent person, I've never hit a person in my life ever, I'll avoid physical confrontations by talking my way through them. You get the idea. The idea of killing someone, even in a game like this, was so abhorrent to me I couldn't do it even to save my child. Even if you decide to not kill the man as I did you never know who this man is, the last scene of the chapter is simply him clutching a picture of what has to be his young daughter to hammer home the point that you almost took away that young girls father.
The final test is the one that, thinking back on it now, impacted me the most. You are given the best opportunity yet to discover where your son is being held. All you have to do is drink something you are told will kill you soon after you find your son. I didn't even hesitate.
I drank the poison.
It scared me on later reflection that I didn't even consider what would happen to me (since at this point in the game I saw myself as the father so strongly) but I saw no other possibility. I didn't even look for a way to take the poison safely, I just did it. For me the moral, emotional and logical action was the one I took. There is nothing you would not do to yourself for your child.
I think what I'm trying to say here is that the most upsetting thing to me about not having children is that I will never have that bond to another human being. I'm in tears writing this because it hurts so much to think about it and it is why I say that not having children is the biggest mistake and regret of my life.
I'm sorry if this post has been a little down but this is something I have wanted to express somehow and I've used my experiences to try and explain it. I just hope that it helps guide anyone who ever ends up reading this to not make my mistake.
First though a bit more background information about me. As I mentioned in my introductory post I am a married man with no children. My wife has always been certain she didn't want children and at the young age I was when I met and married her I had never given it much thought. This led to us never having any children and as time has passed I've started to regret that decision as the biggest mistake I have made in my life. As things are now in my life, due to a variety of reasons, I am never going to be a father.
Anyway, enough about that for now, I'll move on to the game I want to talk about, Heavy Rain . This is a game that I played last year that had more of an impact on me than almost any other game I have ever played and I've played a lot. The game revolves around four different characters and the search for a serial killer who kidnaps and kills children. Yeah, it's a pretty dark game.
The one character I'll describe is the one that pertains to what I have to talk about. At the start of the game he is a married man with two sons aged roughly 8 and 10. The opening chapter of the game is pretty simple, it shows this father doing some work, greeting his wife and children as they get home, helping his wife get dinner ready and playing with his sons in the back garden. Pretty normal happy family life. The end of the chapter however is where the game turns dark. The family takes a trip to the mall and the father and mother each take one son each and go to different parts of the mall to buy items. The son that is with the father then sees a balloon seller and begs his father to buy him one, which he dutifully does. However as the father is paying for the balloon the son wanders off and the father does not realise until he turns around and sees the balloon bobbing off in the crowds in the distance. The game then has you frantically pushing through the crowds, trying to find your son and leaving you feeling pretty helpless. It all culminates in a scene where the father spots his son walking out the front door of the mall, seeing his son run out in to the road and getting hit by a car. You don't actually see the child get hit, just the reaction of the father as it happens which makes it all the more heart wrenching.
The game then picks up a couple of years later and you are shown that the marriage didn't survive the death of one son and the father is now on a downward spiral. You are then given control of the father once again as he gets his scheduled time with his other son who seems withdrawn and distant from his father. In order to try and cheer up the situation the father takes his son to the local park to play. Again the father becomes distracted at one point and his remaining son gets kidnapped (you would think he would be more careful but this is one of the weaker plot points in the game) and it quickly becomes apparent that the serial killer has taken his son.
The next part of the game is where your emotions really get thrown around as through a slightly set of contrived circumstances the father is forced by the killer to perform a series of actions to see how far he will go to save his son. The killer gives clues as to the whereabouts of his son if the father will do some things. The first one is that the killer makes the father break the law in a dangerous way by driving the wrong way down the freeway. I could do that with relative ease since what the heck, its only a game right. The next couple involve getting through simple physical pain, one involving crawling down glass strewn air vents and the other by forcing the father to cut off a finger. I see no problem in doing those things to rescue your child since physical pain is transitory, emotional pain is what can scar you for life. The way I was empathising with the father at that point I pushed on.
The next and penultimate test is one I had to reject. You were asked to kill a man without knowing who he was, why the killer wanted him dead or anything like that. I'm a strictly non violent person, I've never hit a person in my life ever, I'll avoid physical confrontations by talking my way through them. You get the idea. The idea of killing someone, even in a game like this, was so abhorrent to me I couldn't do it even to save my child. Even if you decide to not kill the man as I did you never know who this man is, the last scene of the chapter is simply him clutching a picture of what has to be his young daughter to hammer home the point that you almost took away that young girls father.
The final test is the one that, thinking back on it now, impacted me the most. You are given the best opportunity yet to discover where your son is being held. All you have to do is drink something you are told will kill you soon after you find your son. I didn't even hesitate.
I drank the poison.
It scared me on later reflection that I didn't even consider what would happen to me (since at this point in the game I saw myself as the father so strongly) but I saw no other possibility. I didn't even look for a way to take the poison safely, I just did it. For me the moral, emotional and logical action was the one I took. There is nothing you would not do to yourself for your child.
I think what I'm trying to say here is that the most upsetting thing to me about not having children is that I will never have that bond to another human being. I'm in tears writing this because it hurts so much to think about it and it is why I say that not having children is the biggest mistake and regret of my life.
I'm sorry if this post has been a little down but this is something I have wanted to express somehow and I've used my experiences to try and explain it. I just hope that it helps guide anyone who ever ends up reading this to not make my mistake.
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Writing software
I've been trying to help some of the other engineers here at work with some of their coding and trying to instill in them how to create good code. Then I realised it was futile since the following comic pretty much sums up how to achieve that.
Let me introduce myself
I think I will start this blog by just saying a few things about myself in the hope that people will understand some of my background and how it pertains to my thoughts, that is if anybody ever reads any of this.
I'm a British person living and working in California, been married for quite a while now but have no children. I work with computers (generic enough for you :-) ) and am interested in most technology, videogames, science fiction, and sexy women. Yes I'm a nerd through and through.
My life so far has been full of ups and downs, more downs recently hence this blog is going to be used to talk about anything I want and just be a dumping ground for some of my thoughts. I'll also talk about things that interest me that could very well be a lot of talk about videogames that nobody in particular would care about but they have always had a fascination for me.
Speaking of videogames, I first played them back in the late 70s (a bit of a hint as to my age there) and have been part of my life for all of it since then other than a brief period where I was too poor to actually afford to buy any (I refuse to pirate games ever since I decided to become someone who makes his living designing and writing software). I use them to relax, entertain myself, explore interesting concepts and sometimes to simply have something for my mind to think about to stop thinking about the worries there are in life.
Just looking through what I have written here I realise my grammar is not the best and spell checker is insisting my British spelling is wrong (let's see if people can spot the less obvious differences) but damn it this is my blog and I'll screw it up how I want to.
Time for me to stop waffling since I feel if I just go on an one it will bore people. Next time I'll try to keep things concise and to an exact thought process but for now I'll leave this first real post as is.
Until next time.
I'm a British person living and working in California, been married for quite a while now but have no children. I work with computers (generic enough for you :-) ) and am interested in most technology, videogames, science fiction, and sexy women. Yes I'm a nerd through and through.
My life so far has been full of ups and downs, more downs recently hence this blog is going to be used to talk about anything I want and just be a dumping ground for some of my thoughts. I'll also talk about things that interest me that could very well be a lot of talk about videogames that nobody in particular would care about but they have always had a fascination for me.
Speaking of videogames, I first played them back in the late 70s (a bit of a hint as to my age there) and have been part of my life for all of it since then other than a brief period where I was too poor to actually afford to buy any (I refuse to pirate games ever since I decided to become someone who makes his living designing and writing software). I use them to relax, entertain myself, explore interesting concepts and sometimes to simply have something for my mind to think about to stop thinking about the worries there are in life.
Just looking through what I have written here I realise my grammar is not the best and spell checker is insisting my British spelling is wrong (let's see if people can spot the less obvious differences) but damn it this is my blog and I'll screw it up how I want to.
Time for me to stop waffling since I feel if I just go on an one it will bore people. Next time I'll try to keep things concise and to an exact thought process but for now I'll leave this first real post as is.
Until next time.
Lets get something up here
I'm still undecided exactly what I want to write about since there are a million things on my mind right now so lets just make this an announcement of my intention to start.
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