Self doubt

  I'm filled with self doubt at the moment. I'm coming up to a deadline at work and I'm not sure I'll get it done. It may be the opposite of an effect I learned about recently (see this link for an explanation of it) but for once I don't feel like I'm going to get this done on time. It is a combination of things, the work is incredibly dull, not something I enjoy, in a product area that was obsolete ten years ago but is still used in less developed parts of the world and is something that I'm one of the few people in the company who actually understands.

  I've never had much self confidence (the result of being a shy child I suspect) but I know I can be good at things. But then I get to things like this and I freeze up. I see all the pitfalls before me and rather than deal with them simply sit here and do nothing which simply makes the situation worse. I've done this so many times in my life but rarely pull myself out of it.

  There are other areas in my life where this same thing applies although in those at least I'm trying. I do not know with any surety that I'll be able to move my wife and I to another house that we can live happily in. I don't know if we can afford it or if I can earn enough money to get away from where we are. Even at the age I am I still feel like that unsure scared quiet little boy I was growing up.

  I know I can't just run away and hide from this pressure, that will never work. In the end though I feel like relieved but downtrodden once I've gotten through these things. Life is not always pleasant and too often I try to hide from those parts of it. I just wish I had the confidence and strength to do what needs to be done without all this doubt. But then again is having the doubt itself a sign of that I need to improve at what I do? See, even in this simple thing I can't decide the right thing and end up just bouncing back and forth.

  One thing I do know though, I'm posting this post on my blog :| .