Feeling close

  There is one person in the whole world that keeps me content for want of a better word. Just being in the same room or in close proximity to my wife makes me incredibly relaxed. I'm not sure why (other than the fact that I totally love her duh) but it is that way. She is the only person I've ever known to make me feel like that. I can be calm around other people but quite often I get worried about things in those situations whereas I never feel that way with my wife.

  A lot of the time I don't even need to say something (given my general lack of chattiness this is quite common), just having that person there is all it takes. I don't want to explain why or how, it just does. I think it is something that everyone should have, the hard part is finding that person. I really don't make much contact with other people, I'm very withdrawn and solitary (in the way that a guy who has been with his wife for over 20 years now is solitary :| ). My list of friends and acquaintances over the years has always been very small so I consider the fact that I did meet my wife kind of extraordinary.

  I think I knew my wife was the one for me when I first met her. You know that slightly nervous feeling you get when talking to someone, that you aren't sure exactly what to say so you just say generalisations? I didn't get that feeling with her, I just said anything that came to mind. I didn't filter what I said in any way and told her how I truly felt about anything that came up in conversation. Admittedly there have been times when I've not told her something but that is when I don't understand it myself. If I find I feel some way and can't understand it I want to be able to work it out myself first before telling anyone else about it. It is part of how my mind works, it is always wanting to know "how does that work?". It led to what I do for a living. Once I knew how computers worked I knew I could make them do things. A simple thing I know but it is that sure defined logic (despite how random computers seem sometimes) that my brain can cope with. It is also why I enjoy videogames so much. Mostly they follow defined clearly discoverable logic. When a game hides its logic or just randomly does something with no indication that is was going to happen I get frustrated and don't enjoy the game anywhere as near as much. It means I generally don't play multiplayer games against other people due to that randomness factor (that and the fact that it means interacting with what is almost always a bunch of dickheads due to the "anonymity" of online interactions).

  I'm waffling again but as usual I'm just working things out in my head and writing them down as they come to me. Doing this allows me to speak to my wife clearly about them since as I said I understand what I'm trying to process with her. Exploring areas and ideas that I have no idea about with her is scary to me. I have no idea how to react and quite often what to say. I will clam up and just go quiet. This is especially so when my wife is upset over something and/or angry at me. It almost always makes her more angry but it is something I can't help. It just happens to me subconsciously. It is part of who I am. My wife knows that though and she copes with it along with my other quirks.

  Going to go and see if I can work out yet another annoying bug now. Try and find the logic in the illogical result that is happening. I like bringing some form of order to the world (see my early childhood where I would line up my toy cars neatly and get annoyed when my brother would come along and throw them all around). Having everything in its place and understandable keeps me peaceful even if its place is a messy pile on the floor. It has a system of being.