Feeling strange

  I feeling a bit strange at the moment, my wife is having a nap this afternoon since she is tired quite a bit at the moment. I'm trying to occupy myself but don't seem to be able to concentrate much on anything.

  Right now I just want to take the two of us away from here and find somewhere to be together with no pressure from the outside world. I know though if I do that we will lose everything we've tried to build for ourselves, our house, our cats, our whole life. Sometimes though I just want to give all that up just so I can be alone with my wife.

  She needs more than that though and I'm trying my hardest to give her everything she needs. I get so tired but I keep going knowing that it is what I want to do more than anything. I don't care what it does to me I just want her to be happy even though most of the time the cause of her not being happy is related to me.

  One day I will earn back her trust which I destroyed with what I did. She has trusted me for so long and I messed up, not the only time I've messed up in these 20 years but the worst. I hope she realises that she is everything to me, I just let out my frustrations with my own failures in a stupid selfish way. I hurt several people in the process, saying stupid things because I've not learned to deal with how I feel about things.

  I've always hidden away how I feel, I learned that at a very young age from how my parents acted. Whenever I tried to express something or made a slight mistake I was shouted at. Not necessarily by my parents but by teachers, friends (the few that I had) and others. It made me hide anything that I thought someone would be upset about. In the end however it has caused more problems and I'm trying like buggery to stop it, I'm just scared it has become some ingrained in me that I will keep doing it and destroy myself and those around me.

  I'm not ashamed to say I was scared early on in our relationship, not by my wife but by how I saw her family act. They would lose their temper at the slightest thing despite trying to be on the best behaviour when I was visiting. It was something that was completely foreign to me and when my wife lost her temper later on when we lived together I would shut down, not wanting to live like her family had. I wanted her to have a safe and calm place to be so that she wouldn't need to shout and scream to express herself since that was the main way she knew from how she was brought up.

  In trying to balance things though I withdrew more in to myself. I didn't want to worry my wife with my problems, the one person I should have allowed to help me more than anyone. I took as much on myself as I could to try and shield her from it since she had an incredibly crappy upbringing. Everything I've done has been to try and provide and care for her. To show her how much I will do so that I can show her how much I love her.

  Well this has distracted me for a bit with more inane ramblings about my failings, the more I write these down the more I can try and understand them and overcome my problems. I know now what I need to talk about to someone to get me through this and help my wife. I know I mentioned this before, it is this kind of crap that I fail to deal with that I wanted to talk about to stop the mess I ended up creating. That is what I decided all those weeks ago but I failed to find a way to do it without shitting everything up.

  I know I've said this before but I'm sorry for what I did. Nobody deserves the crap I put people through, least of all my wife. She is the one person though who has ever tried to help me and I'm scared that with what I've done I won't even have that.