As part of the hiring people at work we do actually send out offers to people once we find someone we would like to work for us. As part of that we sent out an offer last week for someone who had the experience to be classified as a Senior Software Engineer. He wanted to be paid $140k plus moving expenses..... Wow, some people really know how to get themselves not hired. He didn't have anywhere near enough variety or depth or simple years of experience to be worth that much money. Surprisingly we didn't come back with a counter offer to that.
Lets hope the next offer we send out this week is actually accepted. It should do since the guy has 5 years experience and is currently working for a startup that isn't going to last much longer.
Monday, February 28, 2011
Work day
Back at work today, already been here an hour. Did some more reading of the epic story and got through the big plot twist. It is a clever way of handling the situation the story was in and brings some new fun ways for the characters to interact. I'm going to try and find some more time today to read as much as I can.
Did a little bit of game playing yesterday while my wife sewed her dress together. I'm trying to get through Mass Effect 2 again on the hardest difficulty setting. It isn't too hard, just has occasional moments which I need to try a few times to get through. Most of the time though if you are careful and use the abilities in the game properly you can't get through it no problem.
I also played a demo for another game yesterday where the main enemy are basically space nazis. Ironically though all the head space nazi guys all speak with British accents. Always seems strange to me how in films and games the evil baddie has a British accent.
Talking to my boss again tomorrow in an effort to get us out of our house and moved somewhere else. Not sure how much he is willing to help but he at least is willing to consider what I'm talking about. Once we get back from out trip back to England in April I hope to start actually having things happen and plans becoming real to get us to somewhere we can be happy.
On a different track, we turned on the Tivo yesterday to find out that it had been locked up since last Monday evening sometime so nothing actually got recorded over the last week. Thank god for torrents, not that we have watched a huge amount of TV recently. We have a bit of catching up to do. Still the Tivo can hold some ridiculous amount of HD stuff that we record so it is not like it is going to go anywhere. I just hope that it was a one off occurrence and not a sign of some other problem with the Tivo, it has been pretty problem free in the years we've had it.
Off to do some more reading, may update again once the day has progressed with whatever ends up being on my mind as usual.
Did a little bit of game playing yesterday while my wife sewed her dress together. I'm trying to get through Mass Effect 2 again on the hardest difficulty setting. It isn't too hard, just has occasional moments which I need to try a few times to get through. Most of the time though if you are careful and use the abilities in the game properly you can't get through it no problem.
I also played a demo for another game yesterday where the main enemy are basically space nazis. Ironically though all the head space nazi guys all speak with British accents. Always seems strange to me how in films and games the evil baddie has a British accent.
Talking to my boss again tomorrow in an effort to get us out of our house and moved somewhere else. Not sure how much he is willing to help but he at least is willing to consider what I'm talking about. Once we get back from out trip back to England in April I hope to start actually having things happen and plans becoming real to get us to somewhere we can be happy.
On a different track, we turned on the Tivo yesterday to find out that it had been locked up since last Monday evening sometime so nothing actually got recorded over the last week. Thank god for torrents, not that we have watched a huge amount of TV recently. We have a bit of catching up to do. Still the Tivo can hold some ridiculous amount of HD stuff that we record so it is not like it is going to go anywhere. I just hope that it was a one off occurrence and not a sign of some other problem with the Tivo, it has been pretty problem free in the years we've had it.
Off to do some more reading, may update again once the day has progressed with whatever ends up being on my mind as usual.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
No more peanut
Reached somewhere around 65% done now and no more peanut :-(. She was too cute.
Helped my wife make a dress although she did all the actual sewing, I just helped measure out the pattern and got the sewing machine together. Came out quite well, just needs lining and trimming the edges.
Off to bed now and back to work tomorrow. Another week of joy at the office.
Helped my wife make a dress although she did all the actual sewing, I just helped measure out the pattern and got the sewing machine together. Came out quite well, just needs lining and trimming the edges.
Off to bed now and back to work tomorrow. Another week of joy at the office.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
Tummy monsters
Just read a cute bit in my wife's story. The older child (about 3 now I think) peanut was drawing tummy monsters on everybody and running around going "roar". This included a roaring frog and the infamous roaring fish of Atlantis. Peanut is way too cute, just the kind of kid I would love to have.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Feeling calmer
After getting my wife home I feel a lot calmer. She seems calmer as well and we really need to get away from this house. I don't think I even care if we end up poor and destitute, I just want to get us away from here to somewhere else. We need to change our surroundings and I need to prove I want things to change and get better.
We spent the time together chatting a bit, me reading and her doing her craft stuff. It helps her relax and stay calm and she is really enjoying it despite the interruptions of kittens that insist on trying to play with dangling threads. I'm at 53% through the story now, not bad for less than a week of reading it, somewhere around half a million words read now.
We spent the time together chatting a bit, me reading and her doing her craft stuff. It helps her relax and stay calm and she is really enjoying it despite the interruptions of kittens that insist on trying to play with dangling threads. I'm at 53% through the story now, not bad for less than a week of reading it, somewhere around half a million words read now.
Alone
There have only been a few times in our lives since being married that my wife and I have not been together at night. A couple of times when I had to take a business trip abroad or twice when my wife took a trip when I did not have the time off work available.
Last night was one of those few nights, one that has been a very long time since the last one. It really made me realise that being apart from her would render me useless. It has been the reason for my relatively sparse posting on here over the last day. I will be back with her at lunchtime to bring her home but just this brief period apart where I could not even talk to her has been very painful. Without her I would be the loneliest person on the planet.
I've passed the time by reading some more of the story, got to over 42% done now. I've not touched a videogame in about a week, that is how engrossed with reading my wife's writing I am.
Last night was one of those few nights, one that has been a very long time since the last one. It really made me realise that being apart from her would render me useless. It has been the reason for my relatively sparse posting on here over the last day. I will be back with her at lunchtime to bring her home but just this brief period apart where I could not even talk to her has been very painful. Without her I would be the loneliest person on the planet.
I've passed the time by reading some more of the story, got to over 42% done now. I've not touched a videogame in about a week, that is how engrossed with reading my wife's writing I am.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Caring
Sitting here at the doctor's office while my wife sees him thinking about things. Thinking about what really matters and who I care for. I never really go in with my wife when she sees a doctor, I try to give her a chance to say anything she wants to without me being there.
I've only ever found one person I really care for, I mean beyond just wanting to do things for them. I'm talking about wanting to do anything you can for them no matter what happens to you. I get scared by things a lot, I'm quite the shy retiring coward. In trying to do everything I can for this one person (my wife duh) I've had to confront all sorts of things that absolutely terrify me. I would never have done as much with my life as I have if it hadn't been for her.
I'm glad I got the chance to spend today working from home, I get to look after and care for my wife while she is not feeling that great. She does suffer a bit from SAD (seasonal affective disorder or something like that) which is basically feeling down during the winter. She had a bad day yesterday and I'm trying my best to do what I can for her. I know I can't always do everything for her so I try to get her help from other people as she needs it.
We are seeing someone else to see how they can help her because right now I know I can't do enough for her. Accepting that you sometimes aren't able to help is part of caring and instead allowing a person to finding another way of getting help is hard to do.
I've only ever found one person I really care for, I mean beyond just wanting to do things for them. I'm talking about wanting to do anything you can for them no matter what happens to you. I get scared by things a lot, I'm quite the shy retiring coward. In trying to do everything I can for this one person (my wife duh) I've had to confront all sorts of things that absolutely terrify me. I would never have done as much with my life as I have if it hadn't been for her.
I'm glad I got the chance to spend today working from home, I get to look after and care for my wife while she is not feeling that great. She does suffer a bit from SAD (seasonal affective disorder or something like that) which is basically feeling down during the winter. She had a bad day yesterday and I'm trying my best to do what I can for her. I know I can't always do everything for her so I try to get her help from other people as she needs it.
We are seeing someone else to see how they can help her because right now I know I can't do enough for her. Accepting that you sometimes aren't able to help is part of caring and instead allowing a person to finding another way of getting help is hard to do.
New T shirt day
Working from home today to get my windscreen wiper fixed since it is going to rain today. Therefore I get to wear a new tshirt instead of a shirt. 10 geek points to anybody who recognises what this tshirt has on it.
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Final story update
Just got to about 21% done roughly before heading off to bed. Lots of good sex stuff going on now, gets me feeling very randy and having to act out some of it with my wife. I know what I'll be spending some of my time doing tomorrow.
My reading has been interrupted
I stop reading for a bit and out of habit lock my computer. I then turn round and find this:-
Lucy found a nice warm place to curl up and sleep. She has been moved to her rightful place on my lap in order for me to post this and so I can read some more.
My cat has a fetish
That has to be the only way to describe it. Daisy, whenever she hears one of the other cats going to the litter trays, will immediately follow that other cat in. She will just then sit there while the other cat uses one of the litter trays and just watch. It is kind of freaky. Then when the other cat is done she will follow them out.
She does something very similar when I scoop the litter, she sits and watches me.
Cats are strange.
She does something very similar when I scoop the litter, she sits and watches me.
Cats are strange.
Story reading update etc.
So far I'm just about 20% done. The life these characters lead is something I think anybody would love to have. They adore each other, will do anything for each other and can express themselves in ways I wish I could. I can see my wife's amazing wit coming through in the dialogue between characters and it is always fun to see references to things in our lives dotted around in the story, it really brings some of it home to me.
For now I need to chase up the twat windscreen repair guy that broke my wiper to see if he can fix it since it is going to rain for sure and I need to be able to drive around. It does give me an excuse to work from home tomorrow but I still need to go places and it will be very hard if it is raining if I can't see where I'm going very well.
For now I need to chase up the twat windscreen repair guy that broke my wiper to see if he can fix it since it is going to rain for sure and I need to be able to drive around. It does give me an excuse to work from home tomorrow but I still need to go places and it will be very hard if it is raining if I can't see where I'm going very well.
Shaking
Not me, the earth shaking. Been talking briefly with my friend at work here from New Zealand. With the earthquake there the other day I was checking to see if his family were affected and luckily they were not, they all live near Auckland in the north island and not near Christchurch on the south island where the earthquake was.
Being in California it is something I think about occasionally, just look at this USGS webpage to see how active the earth is around here. Generally though unless the magnitude hits 3.0 or above you don't even notice it. I've only felt a couple in all my years here, the largest being a 5.0 that was about 30 miles from me. It happened one Sunday morning and I woke up wondering why the bed was rocking back and forth slightly. It is slightly strange since you don't hear anything and everything is silent for a moment afterwards, no animal noise or anything really.
I just hope I never have to go through something like what happened in New Zealand personally.
Being in California it is something I think about occasionally, just look at this USGS webpage to see how active the earth is around here. Generally though unless the magnitude hits 3.0 or above you don't even notice it. I've only felt a couple in all my years here, the largest being a 5.0 that was about 30 miles from me. It happened one Sunday morning and I woke up wondering why the bed was rocking back and forth slightly. It is slightly strange since you don't hear anything and everything is silent for a moment afterwards, no animal noise or anything really.
I just hope I never have to go through something like what happened in New Zealand personally.
Wednesday's Woman
Today I'm going to post someone my wife reminded me about, Rena Sofer. She is one of those women who when you see dressed all smartly and professionally they just shine. She has an ability to look great without having to bare everything.
In the office
Back in the office today so I can show my face around here since it is expected to rain tomorrow and the annoying windscreen replacement man still hasn't fixed my wiper so if it rains I won't be able to come in to the office safely. Let's start off with a picture of a newish shirt that I really like, nice and colourful and stuff, I'm liking it.
Bit of a blurry shot but not bad for a quick camera phone photo. I'm about 16% done with reading my wife's story and I'm absolutely loving it. She says other people who have read parts of it can't follow the script like style of it but to me that makes it better. The conversations between the characters flows much better and keeps up the snappy pace that they actually take place it without getting bogged down in descriptions in between spoken sentences. Clearly other people's minds can't handle the awesomeness of the story.
I need to check today if the guy we had in for an interview actually got through the coding test ok since he seemed like a good fit for what we need here. We really need some extra people at the moment to get everything done, there are going to be some busy times ahead.
Did I tell everyone I love my wife? No? You sure? Ok, I'll say it again, I love my wife.
Still trying to work out a way to get us moved to a new house, I need to nag my boss some more to help us out, I've helped out this company a lot in my time here, they can at least try and help me out a bit with more than just paying me. I've given a lot of my life to this place.
Going to go read some more and then get ready for my regular Wednesday post. I have a few ideas now that my wife and I talked about it a bit. I'll see if I can find some good pictures for whomever I chose.
Bit of a blurry shot but not bad for a quick camera phone photo. I'm about 16% done with reading my wife's story and I'm absolutely loving it. She says other people who have read parts of it can't follow the script like style of it but to me that makes it better. The conversations between the characters flows much better and keeps up the snappy pace that they actually take place it without getting bogged down in descriptions in between spoken sentences. Clearly other people's minds can't handle the awesomeness of the story.
I need to check today if the guy we had in for an interview actually got through the coding test ok since he seemed like a good fit for what we need here. We really need some extra people at the moment to get everything done, there are going to be some busy times ahead.
Did I tell everyone I love my wife? No? You sure? Ok, I'll say it again, I love my wife.
Still trying to work out a way to get us moved to a new house, I need to nag my boss some more to help us out, I've helped out this company a lot in my time here, they can at least try and help me out a bit with more than just paying me. I've given a lot of my life to this place.
Going to go read some more and then get ready for my regular Wednesday post. I have a few ideas now that my wife and I talked about it a bit. I'll see if I can find some good pictures for whomever I chose.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Flashbacks
Sitting here in the physiotherapy place waiting for my wife and Def Leppard comes on the radio. Talk about flashback to my youth. Feel really old knowing that song is almost 25 years old....
It is amazing the power a single sound can have on your memory. I hear a pager going off and still get that feeling of dread on my stomach from all the years I did oncall work as a support engineer. There are certain songs as well that bring up great memories like all of us have. It just needs to be a few notes and my mind goes there.
Sound really is a strong sense in your mind even though you don't always use it correctly and actually listen to people and things around you.
It is amazing the power a single sound can have on your memory. I hear a pager going off and still get that feeling of dread on my stomach from all the years I did oncall work as a support engineer. There are certain songs as well that bring up great memories like all of us have. It just needs to be a few notes and my mind goes there.
Sound really is a strong sense in your mind even though you don't always use it correctly and actually listen to people and things around you.
Chair thief
So much for doing much more work and reading this afternoon. I stand up for a second and I lose out on my chair.
Stuff
Story update, 10% through so far. Tis brilliant. Way better than the series, maybe if they had my wife as a script writer it would have lasted longer than 5 seasons and not been replaced by a travesty that didn't even manage 2 full seasons.
Still wondering who to do for my regular Wednesday blog post. I have one idea but mulling choosing someone else since she has never been that high on the list just someone I appreciate.
I wish I could arrange working from home more. Got most of my work for the day done this morning before 10am by which time most people are at the office and have actually started working. Other people abusing the work from home privilege really messed things up for others that are actually productive when we do this. It is very relaxing sitting here, doing a little work, reading the story, wife beside me doing her sewing and cat sitting behind me taking up half my chair purring his head off but also providing a nice bit of butt warming.
Hair cut later tonight, getting a bit shaggy so will get it trimmed down quite a bit but not too much that my receding hairline doesn't look too stupid. Loving the current colour of my wife's hair, a nice mixture of brown and her natural red that comes out in a lovely shiny bronze like shade. Also loving her letting it grow longer, really like women with some length to their hair and not too short and she looks lovely when it has some length on it.
Ok, off to read some more story and wait for my next conference call with work. Probably don't need to do much on it other than tell people I am actually doing work and solving the worlds problems.
Still wondering who to do for my regular Wednesday blog post. I have one idea but mulling choosing someone else since she has never been that high on the list just someone I appreciate.
I wish I could arrange working from home more. Got most of my work for the day done this morning before 10am by which time most people are at the office and have actually started working. Other people abusing the work from home privilege really messed things up for others that are actually productive when we do this. It is very relaxing sitting here, doing a little work, reading the story, wife beside me doing her sewing and cat sitting behind me taking up half my chair purring his head off but also providing a nice bit of butt warming.
Hair cut later tonight, getting a bit shaggy so will get it trimmed down quite a bit but not too much that my receding hairline doesn't look too stupid. Loving the current colour of my wife's hair, a nice mixture of brown and her natural red that comes out in a lovely shiny bronze like shade. Also loving her letting it grow longer, really like women with some length to their hair and not too short and she looks lovely when it has some length on it.
Ok, off to read some more story and wait for my next conference call with work. Probably don't need to do much on it other than tell people I am actually doing work and solving the worlds problems.
Morning meetings
Having my usual morning work meeting at the moment sitting here at home. Missing my wife since she is still sleeping, talking to her while doing this helps get me through this dullness every day. I feel pretty alone right now despite being on a conference call with over 30 people. Strange how just that one person can be the only one who makes you feel complete.
Scary things
There are a few things in life that are scary. The realisation that you can't live without someone, knowing that you would be capable of doing anything regardless of the consequences for them and the fear of failing to do what you know is right.
One of the scariest moments in my life was when my wife said to me on evening last year "I have a girlfriend.". Just with those few words sent me in to a tailspin, I didn't know how I felt, what to do or how I could go on living my life as I had. I handled it about as badly as I could, I hid from what was happening, lashed out when I could no longer deal with it and tried to run away from it all.
It was hard to understand how my wife and I had come to this point in our lives. I was petrified of doing anything for fear of losing everything I had even though that was not going to happen. I was scared that I had messed up everything and ended up pretty much doing that anyway in dealing with what was happening. I let my fears overtake me and turn me in to an idiot.
How you deal with what scares you can drastically alter your life. I've never been very good at dealing with those things and often mess things up completely in doing so.
There has been one exception to this rule though. The scariest thing I have ever done is to ask my wife to marry me. I had no idea how to do it or what would happen once I went down that path but I knew that if I didn't ask I would not forgive myself for not trying. Having asked her I have been the happiest in my life that I have ever been and will ever be. I wish I had remembered how getting through that scary thing properly made things much better when dealing with things recently.
One of the scariest moments in my life was when my wife said to me on evening last year "I have a girlfriend.". Just with those few words sent me in to a tailspin, I didn't know how I felt, what to do or how I could go on living my life as I had. I handled it about as badly as I could, I hid from what was happening, lashed out when I could no longer deal with it and tried to run away from it all.
It was hard to understand how my wife and I had come to this point in our lives. I was petrified of doing anything for fear of losing everything I had even though that was not going to happen. I was scared that I had messed up everything and ended up pretty much doing that anyway in dealing with what was happening. I let my fears overtake me and turn me in to an idiot.
How you deal with what scares you can drastically alter your life. I've never been very good at dealing with those things and often mess things up completely in doing so.
There has been one exception to this rule though. The scariest thing I have ever done is to ask my wife to marry me. I had no idea how to do it or what would happen once I went down that path but I knew that if I didn't ask I would not forgive myself for not trying. Having asked her I have been the happiest in my life that I have ever been and will ever be. I wish I had remembered how getting through that scary thing properly made things much better when dealing with things recently.
Monday, February 21, 2011
Story report
Almost at about 8% done now in reading on and off today. Lots happening and I'm loving every bit of it. The characters love for each other is intoxicating.
I see the love these characters have every day in my wife and how she feels about me. I feel it for her as well. It is something I would not give up for anything else in the world, I would die without it. It may be sappy but it's true. You know it when you feel it and see it, the way someone is totally in love with someone else.
The capacity for just wanting to do anything for someone else regardless of the consequences is overwhelming. I see my wife wanting to scream to the world her love and the joy and pain it can bring with how life is. I want to comfort and love and care for her as best as I can forever.
Feeling really soppy right now, going to go to bed, hold my wife, tell her I love her and be right there when she wakes up in the morning.
I see the love these characters have every day in my wife and how she feels about me. I feel it for her as well. It is something I would not give up for anything else in the world, I would die without it. It may be sappy but it's true. You know it when you feel it and see it, the way someone is totally in love with someone else.
The capacity for just wanting to do anything for someone else regardless of the consequences is overwhelming. I see my wife wanting to scream to the world her love and the joy and pain it can bring with how life is. I want to comfort and love and care for her as best as I can forever.
Feeling really soppy right now, going to go to bed, hold my wife, tell her I love her and be right there when she wakes up in the morning.
Being together
I always wonder about people who are together since they are so alike. You are basically with yourself so how can that be interesting. My wife and I have some similar interests and other ones which are very different, it is these differences which makes being with the one you love even better I think.
Take our taste in music for example. I grew up listening to hair band metal in the 80s, I still listen to that kind of music mostly with a few other things interspersed. My wife however prefers more melodic songs, not so loud and I do enjoy listening to some of her music as well. However this difference between us doesn't automatically mean we are not meant to be together.
I'm firmly of the belief that being with someone who expands your horizon and likes some different things makes life even better, especially when you love that person. If you can enjoy doing those things together then it becomes perfect. Even if you didn't start out knowing about or doing that something when you were on your own before you met that person.
Learning about these things and making them part of your life together is much better than just finding someone who is exactly like you and supposedly "compatible". I think that is part of why my parents really weren't sure me and my wife were suited together at first, it took them a long time to realise the differences between the two of us are part of what makes us so great together.
Take our taste in music for example. I grew up listening to hair band metal in the 80s, I still listen to that kind of music mostly with a few other things interspersed. My wife however prefers more melodic songs, not so loud and I do enjoy listening to some of her music as well. However this difference between us doesn't automatically mean we are not meant to be together.
I'm firmly of the belief that being with someone who expands your horizon and likes some different things makes life even better, especially when you love that person. If you can enjoy doing those things together then it becomes perfect. Even if you didn't start out knowing about or doing that something when you were on your own before you met that person.
Learning about these things and making them part of your life together is much better than just finding someone who is exactly like you and supposedly "compatible". I think that is part of why my parents really weren't sure me and my wife were suited together at first, it took them a long time to realise the differences between the two of us are part of what makes us so great together.
Nothing is ever simple
Windscreen guy just left after taking 2 hours to do an hour job. New windscreen is in the car but in the process of fitting it he managed to break one of the nuts holding on a windscreen wiper and doesn't have a replacement one with him. So now I have a nice new windscreen with one working attached wiper and it is probably going to rain tonight/tomorrow, great. I don't need to see where I'm going when I'm driving, really I don't.
Still it gives me an excuse to work from home tomorrow rather than drive in to work which is much more preferable since I can be here with my wife who is feeling down today to try and keep her happy.
Still it gives me an excuse to work from home tomorrow rather than drive in to work which is much more preferable since I can be here with my wife who is feeling down today to try and keep her happy.
Lunch break
Progress on the epic so far, 5% of the way through. Getting really good now, can tell the progress of my wife's writing as she did more and more of this. Kind of wishing I could be the man to her that she writes about here.
On another note, having peperoncini in my sandwich, something I've come to liking recently. Strange how your tastes for food change every now and then, I eat way more varied things that I did when I was younger. My wife had a lot to do with that, getting me to try and love things that my mother's pretty awful cooking put me off for a long time.
I'll just say "sock mince" and leave it at that :| .
On another note, having peperoncini in my sandwich, something I've come to liking recently. Strange how your tastes for food change every now and then, I eat way more varied things that I did when I was younger. My wife had a lot to do with that, getting me to try and love things that my mother's pretty awful cooking put me off for a long time.
I'll just say "sock mince" and leave it at that :| .
Morning update
A fair bit in to the epic now, just over 1% of it.. A long way to go but it is very cool thus far. Really want to read all of this as soon as I can but not rush it either.
Going to be sitting at home for most of today waiting in for the windshield replacement guy to turn up, which my wife actually managed to get organised online using her phone while we were driving to the shops on Saturday since the people I got a quote from were dragging their arses (along with me).
Also won a couple of ebay auctions last night and lost another one. Some more items for our collection of props, costumes etc that me and my wife are gathering. We really need to get some better display method for all of these items we have now.
Going to be sitting at home for most of today waiting in for the windshield replacement guy to turn up, which my wife actually managed to get organised online using her phone while we were driving to the shops on Saturday since the people I got a quote from were dragging their arses (along with me).
Also won a couple of ebay auctions last night and lost another one. Some more items for our collection of props, costumes etc that me and my wife are gathering. We really need to get some better display method for all of these items we have now.
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Late night
Late night, well at least for me. Gone 9pm and I'm still up since I don't have to go to work tomorrow. Decided to read some of the epic now rather than play a game I've already played through once. I want to see just how brilliant this story is.
One day I may be just a little bit as amazing as my wife is, for now though I'll just bask in her amazingness :-) .
One day I may be just a little bit as amazing as my wife is, for now though I'll just bask in her amazingness :-) .
Lazy Sunday
Lazy Sunday's are great days. They are even better when Monday is a holiday and it is a 3 day weekend.
Going to make a start on reading my wife's epic tomorrow, only 955000 odd words to read, something like 5Meg of text. Should keep me occupied for a little bit.
Going to make a start on reading my wife's epic tomorrow, only 955000 odd words to read, something like 5Meg of text. Should keep me occupied for a little bit.
Morning picture
Been sitting here reading the last story I have to read other than the huge million word one and Lucy decided she wanted some daddy time.
The feeling of love in my wife's stories is amazing, I know that is how I feel about her even if I am too scared to show it sometimes. I still get scared that how can this amazing woman want me even after all these years. What did I do to get so lucky to be with her? Here I am an almost 40 year old man and I still feel like a scared little boy sometimes. Age is just a physical thing for sure, I don't think you really ever get old mentally other than having more experiences which helps you know yourself better as a person and accept what you are or to change those things about you that you don't like. I'm trying my best to do the latter so I can be the man my wife deserves and I'm never going to stop trying. I have no other reason for my life other than my wife, I know that. Sure there are things to do, see, experience and fill your life with but for me the only one that matters is her.
One more thing while I remember, I managed to kick my wife quite hard in bed last night. For some reason I was dreaming about playing football (a sport like most of them I never actually enjoyed playing myself) and really belted her one. Sorry dear.
The feeling of love in my wife's stories is amazing, I know that is how I feel about her even if I am too scared to show it sometimes. I still get scared that how can this amazing woman want me even after all these years. What did I do to get so lucky to be with her? Here I am an almost 40 year old man and I still feel like a scared little boy sometimes. Age is just a physical thing for sure, I don't think you really ever get old mentally other than having more experiences which helps you know yourself better as a person and accept what you are or to change those things about you that you don't like. I'm trying my best to do the latter so I can be the man my wife deserves and I'm never going to stop trying. I have no other reason for my life other than my wife, I know that. Sure there are things to do, see, experience and fill your life with but for me the only one that matters is her.
One more thing while I remember, I managed to kick my wife quite hard in bed last night. For some reason I was dreaming about playing football (a sport like most of them I never actually enjoyed playing myself) and really belted her one. Sorry dear.
Saturday, February 19, 2011
More fiction
My wife should be a screenwriter, the things she has written were better than the actual scripts of the show her stories are based off of. They are more imaginative and have more interesting and humorous character interactions. Now though I've read everything she has written but one story that I am saving for tomorrow since I'm tired and am going to take my wife to bed.
Also one small cat picture of our lovely Daisy taken this evening.
Also one small cat picture of our lovely Daisy taken this evening.
Sigh
I know I love my wife more than ever now. I just finished reading a whole bunch of her stories and now adore her even more than before. She fills me up with emotion from just reading what she has written, I've been doing it all day other than brief breaks to go shopping or make something to eat. I was addicted.
I have a few more other stories to read from a different section and another she has just emailed to me left. I shall get to those right now.
I love my wife, not sure I've said that before :-) .
I have a few more other stories to read from a different section and another she has just emailed to me left. I shall get to those right now.
I love my wife, not sure I've said that before :-) .
Over half way now
Getting my way through these stories, loving every minute of it. Wondering how I will feel when I've read them all since I know I'll be desperate to read more, you know that feeling that you want to get to the end of something since you want to see everything but then the disappointment that there is no more yet.
I'm enjoying this so much it is hard to describe. I can see parts of our lives intertwined with the imaginative scenarios that are being written. I laugh at the humour in them, especially the slightly wicked side I can see with the unexpected or slightly mischievous parts of them.
I really really really really just want to site here and write about how brilliant they are since I think praise is due where it is actually earned but I'm selfishly wanting to just read more and more right now. I wonder sometimes why my wife has not become an author or screenwriter since this kind of talent should be shown to the world.
I'm enjoying this so much it is hard to describe. I can see parts of our lives intertwined with the imaginative scenarios that are being written. I laugh at the humour in them, especially the slightly wicked side I can see with the unexpected or slightly mischievous parts of them.
I really really really really just want to site here and write about how brilliant they are since I think praise is due where it is actually earned but I'm selfishly wanting to just read more and more right now. I wonder sometimes why my wife has not become an author or screenwriter since this kind of talent should be shown to the world.
Scared
I'm terrified of losing my wife. I just read a story where the wife almost loses the husband in a plane crash and it made me cry. I thought about what would I do if there was a chance of losing my wife and it shook me and absolutely terrified me.
Last year my wife had surgery and when they took me through to the recovery room to see her I almost passed out. Pain medication does very little to her so she was in a very bad state. I was trembling and felt incredibly faint seeing her like that.
I know if the day comes that my wife is no longer alive I will not survive.
Last year my wife had surgery and when they took me through to the recovery room to see her I almost passed out. Pain medication does very little to her so she was in a very bad state. I was trembling and felt incredibly faint seeing her like that.
I know if the day comes that my wife is no longer alive I will not survive.
Guess what I'm doing
Just got up to settle the cats and already I'm reading again. I am seriously addicted with reading these stories, my wife has a beautiful mind as well as a beautiful body. I know I'm not going to be able to stop until I've read every single word she has written, absorbed it all, let them fill me up and know my love for my wife is even more than before.
Friday, February 18, 2011
Still reading
I've been reading all day now so far. I read all the time I could at work and since getting home it is all I have done. Sitting next to my wife while she sews reading her stories. I'm doing them in alphabetical order otherwise I'll never keep track of which ones I've read and which I haven't. I'm having a great time with all these, seeing happy things, sad things, heart wrenching things and all in between. There are extremely passionate horny parts, some surprising parts and other just sickly sweet parts.
I just wanted to say that I knew my wife was talented but wow. These are astounding.
I just wanted to say that I knew my wife was talented but wow. These are astounding.
Reading and writing
I'm having a day of trying to not do any work at the moment. My wife has linked me to all the stories she has written, short and long. I've done 4 of them already and am really loving them. She gets how people are together, the way they talk to each other when they feel strongly for each other. The family scenes make me wish I had a family like that when growing up since maybe I wouldn't be the emotional retard that I am. She can describe how a family should be when they truly love each other. It matches exactly how I feel about her and makes me a little wistful for not ever having experienced that as a child. I want to be able to express myself like that so I can tell her how much I love her but my mind just doesn't work like that. I only know the ways I know to show her I love her and need to keep trying to find other ways to show her since it is something I am not going to ever stop doing.
Another quick post
A couple of things before my meetings and interview start this morning. I have no idea if anybody will care about this but I'm going to link to it anyway. My company is obviously hiring so go to http://net.atsondemand.com/ to look at the open positions. If I refer you I get a bonus so if anybody reading sees a job they want and wants to apply feel free. I know there are 7 or so more positions opening up next week so keep an eye out for those as well.
Taxes are done and filed. Just need to wait around for the money to turn up now. Doing my own taxes was a bit of a shock after moving to this country, in England they were done for me since the tax code was much simpler. The first year we were here I almost didn't do them in time since I didn't realise I had to do them. Luckily though I earned so little that first year since I really only earned 2 and a half months wages I got all the taxes I paid back so even if I had filed late we would not have been charged any penalties. Since then I've tried to do them as soon as possible, this year was a little later since some information I needed was not available until this week.
In other news, I found out something else about my wife yesterday in a post from her blog. She is not bothered by polygamy, not something you normally discuss no, but she still surprises me even after all these years. It makes you think that you can never completely understand everything about someone even if you spend your whole life with them. Trying to discuss and debate and simply know everything about someone else is very hard and you don't even realise you don't know something sometimes.
Taxes are done and filed. Just need to wait around for the money to turn up now. Doing my own taxes was a bit of a shock after moving to this country, in England they were done for me since the tax code was much simpler. The first year we were here I almost didn't do them in time since I didn't realise I had to do them. Luckily though I earned so little that first year since I really only earned 2 and a half months wages I got all the taxes I paid back so even if I had filed late we would not have been charged any penalties. Since then I've tried to do them as soon as possible, this year was a little later since some information I needed was not available until this week.
In other news, I found out something else about my wife yesterday in a post from her blog. She is not bothered by polygamy, not something you normally discuss no, but she still surprises me even after all these years. It makes you think that you can never completely understand everything about someone even if you spend your whole life with them. Trying to discuss and debate and simply know everything about someone else is very hard and you don't even realise you don't know something sometimes.
Morning update
A bunch of random stuff to talk about this morning and I want to start off with a picture. I took this one yesterday after getting home from taking my wife to physiotherapy. It will give you an idea of the kind of people our neighbours are. Currently there only seems to be one person living there with one of the dogs (the quieter one, not the really noisy one).
This is a view down the side of their house, our house is on the right. This area is where their two dogs spent all of their time (one now obviously). They only get to be in this small area down the side of the house, there is a gate blocking access to the back of the house. If you look carefully on the right hand side of the picture you can see the top of an air conditioning unit behind the fence. That unit is against the wall of our master bedroom. Therefore any noise from the dogs we would immediately hear since there is just a flimsy stucco wall between us and them.
I'm only showing this picture to give you and idea of the shit we have had to put up with all these years. These dogs were left in this area all of the time, 24 hours a day, whatever the weather. During the middle of summer when it hits over 100F (close to 40C) they are left out here. The dogs were never taken for walks, never played with, never socialised with in any way. This is how little our neighbours cared for their animals and their complete disregard for how they affected me and my wife.
Anyway, on to something else. I got to work nice and early today, 5:30, since as usual traffic on a Friday morning was really light. However as I went to get some breakfast I realised I was out of cereal, bugger. I just had to go out in the cold again to grab some. Not really news worthy but just something happening since it is stupid cold today for here.
An update on that person we interviewed here yesterday, we decided to pass on him. He had too many issues working with other people and from the technical point of view there were doubts. Hoping the person we are interviewing today goes better since we really need to hire some more people here.
Another random thought, I had a very fun sex dream last night about my wife, it involved watching her being taken by two other men. It is something I've often thought about, I'm not sure why husbands find the thought of seeing their wife with another man so appealing. It might be because we know that our wife is "ours" as it were and seeing other men want them and the physical pleasure our wife goes through is an incredible turn on to watch. As I said, just another thing on my mind that does good things for me.
Right now I'm wondering what will become of everything. I'm trying to change an awful lot at once in my life. I'm trying to be the person I should be, trying to show my wife I love her and want to be with her forever (not that this is a change, just something I'm not always very good at), trying to get us moved out of our house, trying to change my job outlook either here at this company of by finding something else, trying to do as much right as I can in my life.
One final thought I think before I go finish my taxes and get to work. I love my wife. She consumes my mind at all times. Despite all the crap I've put her through I know there is no-one else I've ever felt this strongly about ever. I need to just keep telling and showing her that.
I'm only showing this picture to give you and idea of the shit we have had to put up with all these years. These dogs were left in this area all of the time, 24 hours a day, whatever the weather. During the middle of summer when it hits over 100F (close to 40C) they are left out here. The dogs were never taken for walks, never played with, never socialised with in any way. This is how little our neighbours cared for their animals and their complete disregard for how they affected me and my wife.
Anyway, on to something else. I got to work nice and early today, 5:30, since as usual traffic on a Friday morning was really light. However as I went to get some breakfast I realised I was out of cereal, bugger. I just had to go out in the cold again to grab some. Not really news worthy but just something happening since it is stupid cold today for here.
An update on that person we interviewed here yesterday, we decided to pass on him. He had too many issues working with other people and from the technical point of view there were doubts. Hoping the person we are interviewing today goes better since we really need to hire some more people here.
Another random thought, I had a very fun sex dream last night about my wife, it involved watching her being taken by two other men. It is something I've often thought about, I'm not sure why husbands find the thought of seeing their wife with another man so appealing. It might be because we know that our wife is "ours" as it were and seeing other men want them and the physical pleasure our wife goes through is an incredible turn on to watch. As I said, just another thing on my mind that does good things for me.
Right now I'm wondering what will become of everything. I'm trying to change an awful lot at once in my life. I'm trying to be the person I should be, trying to show my wife I love her and want to be with her forever (not that this is a change, just something I'm not always very good at), trying to get us moved out of our house, trying to change my job outlook either here at this company of by finding something else, trying to do as much right as I can in my life.
One final thought I think before I go finish my taxes and get to work. I love my wife. She consumes my mind at all times. Despite all the crap I've put her through I know there is no-one else I've ever felt this strongly about ever. I need to just keep telling and showing her that.
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Old man
My wife and I are going to bed early tonight since we are both very tired. It isn't even half past eight, I'm such an old man.... We really will be an old couple together forever.
Sitting and waiting
With all the doctors and treatments my wife has for her health problems I do a lot of sitting around and waiting for things to happen. I am doing that right now while she has physiotherapy for her frozen shoulder. I really don't mind it, it quite often gets me out of work early but most importantly it keeps my wife healthy.
I bring my wife to all of these health appointments, not just because I want to be there but also because I am the only one of the two of us who can drive. I learned when I could back in England at 17 (the required age there) as my birthday present even though I did not have a car of my own until I was 23. My wife however could never afford it due to how poor her mother was bringing her up. Then when we moved to the US she saw how downright terrible a lot of the drivers over here are. I enjoy taking my wife places and doing this for her is a way in which I can do something for her that saves her from something that scares her.
Nothing really doing in this post is there? I'm just passing the time sitting here and waiting.
I bring my wife to all of these health appointments, not just because I want to be there but also because I am the only one of the two of us who can drive. I learned when I could back in England at 17 (the required age there) as my birthday present even though I did not have a car of my own until I was 23. My wife however could never afford it due to how poor her mother was bringing her up. Then when we moved to the US she saw how downright terrible a lot of the drivers over here are. I enjoy taking my wife places and doing this for her is a way in which I can do something for her that saves her from something that scares her.
Nothing really doing in this post is there? I'm just passing the time sitting here and waiting.
Another bunch of random stuff
Just want to write down some more random stuff on my mind and talk about stuff that is happening. I'll start with the person I had to interview yesterday. I had a 45 minute time to talk to them out of almost 3 hours they were here seeing 4 different people. I got the chance to ask 4 questions. That was it since they talked so much, I tried interrupting but they kept on going. Yes it is nice you want to talk about yourself and talk yourself up to me but give me a chance to find out what I need. It gave me doubts about how well they would work in a team which is vital here as opposed to just trying to do things their way. Other than that they were a good candidate though.
Speaking of jobs, I talked to my boss the other day expressing my desire to change things. Either do this job somewhere else, pay me more so we can move or I look for something else somewhere else in the country or here. He actually seemed sincere in helping me, at least more so than previous bosses when I talk to them about these things. I'm looking around a little bit to see what else is out there while my boss thinks on this and I get a chance to talk to him about it again.
I want to try the amazon app on my iphone after seeing my wife use it on her phone this weekend. Standing there in best buy, scanning the bar codes on items and seeing them come up in amazon for 1/3 or more less was just too cool and convenient. Since we have amazon prime we get free 2 day shipping on stuff so we ordered things from amazon standing in best buy and they turned up Tuesday/Wednesday. For things you don't need right there and then it just seems far too convenient not to use.
I'm still dealing with more bugs and fallout of the just incredibly poor design decisions in the code that the person who is leaving wrote. How he even managed to become a "senior software engineer" I don't know other than just being around long enough. Mind you "senior" in a title just means 5 to 7 years experience. I've been there, went through "principle" which is at 10 years or so (although I got to that point in 6 :-) ) and am now at what is classified as a "systems architect" although we don't really use titles here, just job grades. I really wish it was just ability that got people promoted and not all the other political crap or length of service kind of things.
A good thing about today, I get to leave work early to go pick the wife up so she can start her physiotherapy again. She really needs to get her shoulder back in to good working order so it doesn't hurt so much and has it's full mobility back. Last year it was so bad she could barely get her hand behind her back let alone reach up to her shoulder blades back there. Hmm, a good thing for me leaving early for something to treat a bad thing. Really this is kind of a mixed bag isn't it.
Enough for now, I have bugs to fix and an interview debrief to attend. Until next time whomever you are reading this, I only know who a few of you probably are from looking at the stats on this blog.
Speaking of jobs, I talked to my boss the other day expressing my desire to change things. Either do this job somewhere else, pay me more so we can move or I look for something else somewhere else in the country or here. He actually seemed sincere in helping me, at least more so than previous bosses when I talk to them about these things. I'm looking around a little bit to see what else is out there while my boss thinks on this and I get a chance to talk to him about it again.
I want to try the amazon app on my iphone after seeing my wife use it on her phone this weekend. Standing there in best buy, scanning the bar codes on items and seeing them come up in amazon for 1/3 or more less was just too cool and convenient. Since we have amazon prime we get free 2 day shipping on stuff so we ordered things from amazon standing in best buy and they turned up Tuesday/Wednesday. For things you don't need right there and then it just seems far too convenient not to use.
I'm still dealing with more bugs and fallout of the just incredibly poor design decisions in the code that the person who is leaving wrote. How he even managed to become a "senior software engineer" I don't know other than just being around long enough. Mind you "senior" in a title just means 5 to 7 years experience. I've been there, went through "principle" which is at 10 years or so (although I got to that point in 6 :-) ) and am now at what is classified as a "systems architect" although we don't really use titles here, just job grades. I really wish it was just ability that got people promoted and not all the other political crap or length of service kind of things.
A good thing about today, I get to leave work early to go pick the wife up so she can start her physiotherapy again. She really needs to get her shoulder back in to good working order so it doesn't hurt so much and has it's full mobility back. Last year it was so bad she could barely get her hand behind her back let alone reach up to her shoulder blades back there. Hmm, a good thing for me leaving early for something to treat a bad thing. Really this is kind of a mixed bag isn't it.
Enough for now, I have bugs to fix and an interview debrief to attend. Until next time whomever you are reading this, I only know who a few of you probably are from looking at the stats on this blog.
Cat time
Just remembered this picture taken of one of our cats last night. This is Boots, who will only sit on your lap if you put a cushion on it, trying to look dignified after being covered with the a section of the throw my wife is knitting.
How hard is it to type?
I just talked with a contractor who is doing some work for us via IM and this was his final two lines he typed to me:-
Will keep u posted on Log clean up stuff den
thanx Roger....
How hard is it to type proper English? You are doing this on a full keyboard at a computer not on some 15 year old numeric keypad only phone. I don't get how peoples brains can think like that. He is a professional (allegedly) that we are paying to do work for us, not some friend that you are just firing a quick message off to.
I know I occasionally use as acronym or shorthand for some things but most of my writing is in full, correctly spelled, sort of grammatically correct English. It takes no longer to do it this way than using all sorts of crappy shorthand. Just annoys me that it happens, especially in a work setting where you are trying to get things done.
Will keep u posted on Log clean up stuff den
thanx Roger....
How hard is it to type proper English? You are doing this on a full keyboard at a computer not on some 15 year old numeric keypad only phone. I don't get how peoples brains can think like that. He is a professional (allegedly) that we are paying to do work for us, not some friend that you are just firing a quick message off to.
I know I occasionally use as acronym or shorthand for some things but most of my writing is in full, correctly spelled, sort of grammatically correct English. It takes no longer to do it this way than using all sorts of crappy shorthand. Just annoys me that it happens, especially in a work setting where you are trying to get things done.
Driving and stuff
I had another rainy windy drive to work this morning. When doing just over 50 miles that is not fun and it has been like this all week. I drive a lot of miles, over 100 a day going to work and back home and it adds up to around 30000 miles a year. As a result I try to be a careful driver since the odds of something fairly catastrophic happening are higher for me than other people who drive much less. I'm not saying I don't make mistakes or do silly things occasionally but overall I try to be safe and considerate on the road.
Today I saw a lot of stupid driving, more than I usually see. With the conditions out there I saw people flying along at 80 or 90 mph weaving through traffic. I saw people make sudden maneuvers without indicating at all (indicators are not an optional extra on cars people and the law requires you to use them, do it). What makes people think they are invincible in their cars? Or that they will hurt no-one else but themselves if something happens? It just pisses me off seeing so much disregard for other people going on.
Again, I'm not denying I've never had an accident (I posted pictures of the one I did have) or that I've ever not sped. I did get a ticket for speeding about 10 years ago although I did find it amusing that at the time the CHP pulled me over 2 other cars also pulled over since they were also speeding right along with me.
I just find it sad that something that is not hard to do safely and courteously is done so badly. I've seen the results of some pretty horrific accidents in my time and there has always been one that stands out in my mind. I didn't see it happen, just crawled past it as it was being dealt with. There was a coroner van there so it had clearly been very bad and someone died. From what I saw as I came up to it (without doing the whole rubbernecking thing) a large BMW (7 series I think) had cut in between two big 18 wheeler lorries (big rigs for you US folks). This was at a point on the freeway where there is actually a 2 lane exit to another freeway on the left side and so back then it would back up and form an almost stationary queue to merge. This BMW however had been crushed between the 2 lorries and was now something the size of a mini cooper. Not the ones you can get now but the much older ones that were really small. Yeah, clearly whomever was in that didn't survive.
I don't know why I'm talking about all this, I just see so much of what goes on out there on the roads that it is on my mind a lot. I feel extremely lucky that me and my wife walked away from the accident we did have with as little injury as we did. I know my wife asks me to work from home more so I don't have to drive as much as I do but a lot of people at the office abused it in the past and now it is hard to do.
My mind is now in a slightly morbid mood after thinking about this, I need to go cheer it up so I'm going to look at some photos of my wife and tell her I love her via IM. Once she wakes up and is able to talk to me I know I'll feel much better, she always helps me like that.
Today I saw a lot of stupid driving, more than I usually see. With the conditions out there I saw people flying along at 80 or 90 mph weaving through traffic. I saw people make sudden maneuvers without indicating at all (indicators are not an optional extra on cars people and the law requires you to use them, do it). What makes people think they are invincible in their cars? Or that they will hurt no-one else but themselves if something happens? It just pisses me off seeing so much disregard for other people going on.
Again, I'm not denying I've never had an accident (I posted pictures of the one I did have) or that I've ever not sped. I did get a ticket for speeding about 10 years ago although I did find it amusing that at the time the CHP pulled me over 2 other cars also pulled over since they were also speeding right along with me.
I just find it sad that something that is not hard to do safely and courteously is done so badly. I've seen the results of some pretty horrific accidents in my time and there has always been one that stands out in my mind. I didn't see it happen, just crawled past it as it was being dealt with. There was a coroner van there so it had clearly been very bad and someone died. From what I saw as I came up to it (without doing the whole rubbernecking thing) a large BMW (7 series I think) had cut in between two big 18 wheeler lorries (big rigs for you US folks). This was at a point on the freeway where there is actually a 2 lane exit to another freeway on the left side and so back then it would back up and form an almost stationary queue to merge. This BMW however had been crushed between the 2 lorries and was now something the size of a mini cooper. Not the ones you can get now but the much older ones that were really small. Yeah, clearly whomever was in that didn't survive.
I don't know why I'm talking about all this, I just see so much of what goes on out there on the roads that it is on my mind a lot. I feel extremely lucky that me and my wife walked away from the accident we did have with as little injury as we did. I know my wife asks me to work from home more so I don't have to drive as much as I do but a lot of people at the office abused it in the past and now it is hard to do.
My mind is now in a slightly morbid mood after thinking about this, I need to go cheer it up so I'm going to look at some photos of my wife and tell her I love her via IM. Once she wakes up and is able to talk to me I know I'll feel much better, she always helps me like that.
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Feeling safe
After a long day at work being here at home, sitting with my wife on the sofa in the evening I feel safe. There is no-one else and nowhere else I feel this safe. I can completely relax, forget my worries and know this is what I always want.
Put myself out there today in another way by putting my details on a free sperm donation web site. We feel this is the only practical way to deal with how I am feeling even though it is unlikely that anything will come if it. Why does this woman I married continue to amaze me? I will always love her.
Put myself out there today in another way by putting my details on a free sperm donation web site. We feel this is the only practical way to deal with how I am feeling even though it is unlikely that anything will come if it. Why does this woman I married continue to amaze me? I will always love her.
More random shit
Another smattering of random stuff on my mind now I think. Let's take work to start with. Most meetings here at work we don't actually get together in a room, especially since us engineers are spread out over 3 different offices in different parts of the country, but rather a conference call via communicator where we can talk, IM and show things on each others screens all the while being at our own desks. One of these meetings, being a "team captain" as the engineers are arranged around here, happens every week to discuss anything between the teams that needs dealing with. The VP who runs this meeting has requested that we all get webcams for our desks so we can see each other as well as talk and IM etc. How can I pull silly faces and goof off in meetings now? So unfair :-P .
Another thing on my mind. With the whole having children situation things are still complicated. We know we can't have a child ourselves, adopting is not something we can do and yesterday I talked to IVF places to see if, having had a vasectomy, I could still donate sperm. It seems I can only do that if it is requested for a specific recipient. My wife and I then talked about how on earth would I find someone to donate to, how do you find this kind of person and then go through with it all? I don't want anything for it, I just want to be able to give that part of myself to someone who needs it. It is a strange thing to think about and like most things is freaking complicated. We are going through all of this just to try and deal with how I feel about this and I love my wife for it.
Next thing, I heard again the other day "I love your accent, where is it from?". Can people really not recognise an English accent? I have been confused for Australian a few times (really people, I sound like Crocodile Dundee???!!!) though most people at least hazard a guess. I did answer someone who also said "I would love to have an accent like yours." with "Well all you have to do is spend 26 years growing up in England.". I think they appreciated the humour in my response. It is also slightly weird to me that people don't believe they have an accent. Hello, everyone has an accent, yours is just what you are used to. Another thought on this subject, if I didn't have and love my wife, I could so use my accent to pick up people it seems. A note to all single English people, move to another country and you will have much more luck :) .
I've got to do another interview on Friday as well as the one I have to do today. Actually today looks like a busy meeting day, four of them with three of them set for at least an hour. What a waste of time. As I type this I'm sitting listening to a meeting that I will probably take part in about two minutes of just to update people of the customer bugs I'm working on. Nothing I'm going to say isn't actually in the bug and I don't need any help but the project manager convinced the VP we need these meetings daily and so we do them. Bah, so fecking annoying.
One last note for now, I'm going to start another piece of fiction for my wife, carrying on from the last one I wrote. I want to keep trying to push myself for my wife and this is one way I can do that.
Another thing on my mind. With the whole having children situation things are still complicated. We know we can't have a child ourselves, adopting is not something we can do and yesterday I talked to IVF places to see if, having had a vasectomy, I could still donate sperm. It seems I can only do that if it is requested for a specific recipient. My wife and I then talked about how on earth would I find someone to donate to, how do you find this kind of person and then go through with it all? I don't want anything for it, I just want to be able to give that part of myself to someone who needs it. It is a strange thing to think about and like most things is freaking complicated. We are going through all of this just to try and deal with how I feel about this and I love my wife for it.
Next thing, I heard again the other day "I love your accent, where is it from?". Can people really not recognise an English accent? I have been confused for Australian a few times (really people, I sound like Crocodile Dundee???!!!) though most people at least hazard a guess. I did answer someone who also said "I would love to have an accent like yours." with "Well all you have to do is spend 26 years growing up in England.". I think they appreciated the humour in my response. It is also slightly weird to me that people don't believe they have an accent. Hello, everyone has an accent, yours is just what you are used to. Another thought on this subject, if I didn't have and love my wife, I could so use my accent to pick up people it seems. A note to all single English people, move to another country and you will have much more luck :) .
I've got to do another interview on Friday as well as the one I have to do today. Actually today looks like a busy meeting day, four of them with three of them set for at least an hour. What a waste of time. As I type this I'm sitting listening to a meeting that I will probably take part in about two minutes of just to update people of the customer bugs I'm working on. Nothing I'm going to say isn't actually in the bug and I don't need any help but the project manager convinced the VP we need these meetings daily and so we do them. Bah, so fecking annoying.
One last note for now, I'm going to start another piece of fiction for my wife, carrying on from the last one I wrote. I want to keep trying to push myself for my wife and this is one way I can do that.
Wednesday's Woman
Decided I'm still going to do these posts and something a little different from my usual taste today. My wife and I both find this woman very attractive and she is unusual for me since she is blond. Today it is Elizabeth Mitchell, someone I recall seeing years ago in E.R. and then when I saw her again in Lost didn't make the connection. Anyway, on to the picture I chose this time.
Feeling strange
Feel a little bit weird today, I still don't understand how I could have fucked things up so badly. Causing all that pain and anguish just so I could feel better about myself. How the hell did I let myself do that? I was so confused during the tail end of last year, I saw things going on around me that I couldn't wrap my head around and I bounced around between so many emotions. I feel so strongly for my wife that anything that changes things leaves me in an absolute whirl.
When we found out some years ago that my wife was sick it became very real to me that someday I would be without this woman. The day that happens will be the worst day of my life. She is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my comfort, my security. She is everything to me, if my parents were to drop dead today I would be upset and sad but if that happened to her my world would end. To know you feel so strongly about someone else is terrifying at times.
I can't deny that I didn't enjoy having someone who was just a friend. However I reached out for a friend in a despicable way and used that friendship to unfairly get my frustrations out and misled them about me and my wife. They are rightfully angry and hate me now. I deserve that for what I did. I hope my wife can help them get through this and past what I did to them.
I need to try and do everything I can for my wife, it is the only way I am going to survive which may seem selfish but without making her happy and secure I know I will never be able to live. I need to do my best to make our situation change and not be afraid to say fuck it and give things up if they can't be changed. The only consistent thing I want in my life is my wife and I must do everything I can to make that so.
I think I'll end up this post with a picture that still makes me sad. This is the cat we lost to FIP TipTup taken on the day before we had to say goodbye to him after he didn't come around from having a procedure done at the vets. At this point his nervous system was so destroyed he could barely move, his legs didn't work, he could only just move his head around and we were feeding him by hand to try and get some nourishment in to him. We miss him so much.
When we found out some years ago that my wife was sick it became very real to me that someday I would be without this woman. The day that happens will be the worst day of my life. She is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my comfort, my security. She is everything to me, if my parents were to drop dead today I would be upset and sad but if that happened to her my world would end. To know you feel so strongly about someone else is terrifying at times.
I can't deny that I didn't enjoy having someone who was just a friend. However I reached out for a friend in a despicable way and used that friendship to unfairly get my frustrations out and misled them about me and my wife. They are rightfully angry and hate me now. I deserve that for what I did. I hope my wife can help them get through this and past what I did to them.
I need to try and do everything I can for my wife, it is the only way I am going to survive which may seem selfish but without making her happy and secure I know I will never be able to live. I need to do my best to make our situation change and not be afraid to say fuck it and give things up if they can't be changed. The only consistent thing I want in my life is my wife and I must do everything I can to make that so.
I think I'll end up this post with a picture that still makes me sad. This is the cat we lost to FIP TipTup taken on the day before we had to say goodbye to him after he didn't come around from having a procedure done at the vets. At this point his nervous system was so destroyed he could barely move, his legs didn't work, he could only just move his head around and we were feeding him by hand to try and get some nourishment in to him. We miss him so much.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
Jobs
I enjoy part of what I do in my job. I always knew from when I first played around with computers and made them do things that it was something I wanted to do that I could get paid for. With where I am in my career though, having been at this for quite a while and being a senior person I have to do a lot more than just write and design code.
Take today for instance, I got a call from the VP (or whatever his title is) of our east coast offices telling me that one of the engineers that had handed in his notice. We had to work out who was going to take over this person's duties (especially since I originally wrote most of the code this person worked with almost 10 years ago), how we were going to reassign other tasks and all that boring planning crap. That kind of stuff with dealing with people really doesn't interest me at all but I can't not do it and stay in my kind of position and get the salary I do.
Tomorrow I get to interview another candidate for a job here and given how awkward I am with talking to people I suspect I come across as some sort of reclusive quiet engineer. You can ask all sorts of the usual questions, throw in some technical know how probing but spending some amount of time with someone and then trying to come out of it with a judgment of them is tedious and not exactly something I am that good at.
I like the security of what my job gives me even though the company is having problems at the moment so super long term there is no guarantee. However the thought of trying something else can be quite daunting. If I can't arrange somehow for me and my wife to move to a house where we feel secure and happy I know I'm going to have to find some other job where I can provide for us in the way I do know and we can move to a different area of the country entirely or even move country again since we don't have anything other than my job tying us down to this particular area.
This post has just been me thinking out loud again. I now need to go look at something that is broken in the new code written by the person who is leaving and fix it. I do that a lot it seems although I have to admit when I first really started working on the code at this company I worked in a department where that was their entire function, fix the current code rather than write the new stuff so I've become rather good at it.
Take today for instance, I got a call from the VP (or whatever his title is) of our east coast offices telling me that one of the engineers that had handed in his notice. We had to work out who was going to take over this person's duties (especially since I originally wrote most of the code this person worked with almost 10 years ago), how we were going to reassign other tasks and all that boring planning crap. That kind of stuff with dealing with people really doesn't interest me at all but I can't not do it and stay in my kind of position and get the salary I do.
Tomorrow I get to interview another candidate for a job here and given how awkward I am with talking to people I suspect I come across as some sort of reclusive quiet engineer. You can ask all sorts of the usual questions, throw in some technical know how probing but spending some amount of time with someone and then trying to come out of it with a judgment of them is tedious and not exactly something I am that good at.
I like the security of what my job gives me even though the company is having problems at the moment so super long term there is no guarantee. However the thought of trying something else can be quite daunting. If I can't arrange somehow for me and my wife to move to a house where we feel secure and happy I know I'm going to have to find some other job where I can provide for us in the way I do know and we can move to a different area of the country entirely or even move country again since we don't have anything other than my job tying us down to this particular area.
This post has just been me thinking out loud again. I now need to go look at something that is broken in the new code written by the person who is leaving and fix it. I do that a lot it seems although I have to admit when I first really started working on the code at this company I worked in a department where that was their entire function, fix the current code rather than write the new stuff so I've become rather good at it.
WTF are people thinking
I take my views on things pretty seriously. Sometimes however there is no "viewpoint" there is simply the right thing. Take this article on abortion for instance. I support abortion for all the obvious reasons despite being of the mind that I would have liked to have children. How can people think like this? They are trying to put in to law that it is ok to harm other people just because they don't agree with them.
Laws that "prevent" people from causing harm to other people, either through direct action or reckless behaviour, are clearly good laws to have. Laws that however condone behaviour that causes harm to other people are just morally unjustifiable. Abortion has to be a choice women have, there are so many scenarios where it is required, a woman should not be forced to endure something that is not in their best interest. Take my wife for example. If she became pregnant it would literally kill her. Why should she be forced to die just to satisfy someones view on the world?
There are all sorts of laws like this that get passed, trying to enforce restrictions on people that simply cause harm. Go back long enough and you have womens rights, civil rights, gender rights etc. There is simply no reason to outlaw these things. Even now, especially living and working in the area of California that I do, there are people around me, who just because they love someone of the same gender, are restricted in what they can do with their lives.
People must understand that enforcing the causing of harm to others in law is not going to make anything right. It will simply prolong the suffering and needless persecution of others.
Oh and on a side note, it seems the giraffe people of the world have finally been found.
Laws that "prevent" people from causing harm to other people, either through direct action or reckless behaviour, are clearly good laws to have. Laws that however condone behaviour that causes harm to other people are just morally unjustifiable. Abortion has to be a choice women have, there are so many scenarios where it is required, a woman should not be forced to endure something that is not in their best interest. Take my wife for example. If she became pregnant it would literally kill her. Why should she be forced to die just to satisfy someones view on the world?
There are all sorts of laws like this that get passed, trying to enforce restrictions on people that simply cause harm. Go back long enough and you have womens rights, civil rights, gender rights etc. There is simply no reason to outlaw these things. Even now, especially living and working in the area of California that I do, there are people around me, who just because they love someone of the same gender, are restricted in what they can do with their lives.
People must understand that enforcing the causing of harm to others in law is not going to make anything right. It will simply prolong the suffering and needless persecution of others.
Oh and on a side note, it seems the giraffe people of the world have finally been found.
My wife is amazing
At the end of the night last night, settled down on the sofa with my wife just taking it easy for the evening after the amazing meal and time we had together I saw my wife as the amazing person she is again. She had a talk with the other person involved in all of this, the person I lied to my wife and about my wife with. The person who I also betrayed with what I did.
All my wife wanted to do was make sure that this other person was ok and was dealing with what happened. She cares so much for them that despite everything she just wants them to feel better. Even with me she is trying to make me feel better even though I don't deserve it. This is the amazing kind of woman my wife is.
I get frustrated by the situation my wife and I have found ourselves in. We are in a house where the neighbours made our life hell with their total disregard for anybody else. Trying to move is very hard since the housing market went to shit. My job has become incredibly stressful since I am asked to do a lot of things I really don't enjoy and with the position I am in we are basically working on a product that is the only hope of the company surviving after being around since the early 80s. I take a lot of stress on myself for all this and have not let my wife help with it and I believe it is largely responsible for how I ended up acting like I did. The combination of that, my cowardice, my method of hiding my emotions that I was taught growing up and just being someone who avoids anything hard really did screw things up.
I do want to post one picture right now, this is one I took of my wife when I got home yesterday. She looked so beautiful in her new LBD that she never thought when she was younger she would get a chance to wear something like this.
I feel the need to write some more but I know I made some obvious typos in a post I did last night sitting next to my wife on the sofa that I typed up on my phone. I'm going to correct some of those now (although not the "great thongs" one, that one still amuses me).
All my wife wanted to do was make sure that this other person was ok and was dealing with what happened. She cares so much for them that despite everything she just wants them to feel better. Even with me she is trying to make me feel better even though I don't deserve it. This is the amazing kind of woman my wife is.
I get frustrated by the situation my wife and I have found ourselves in. We are in a house where the neighbours made our life hell with their total disregard for anybody else. Trying to move is very hard since the housing market went to shit. My job has become incredibly stressful since I am asked to do a lot of things I really don't enjoy and with the position I am in we are basically working on a product that is the only hope of the company surviving after being around since the early 80s. I take a lot of stress on myself for all this and have not let my wife help with it and I believe it is largely responsible for how I ended up acting like I did. The combination of that, my cowardice, my method of hiding my emotions that I was taught growing up and just being someone who avoids anything hard really did screw things up.
I do want to post one picture right now, this is one I took of my wife when I got home yesterday. She looked so beautiful in her new LBD that she never thought when she was younger she would get a chance to wear something like this.
I feel the need to write some more but I know I made some obvious typos in a post I did last night sitting next to my wife on the sofa that I typed up on my phone. I'm going to correct some of those now (although not the "great thongs" one, that one still amuses me).
Monday, February 14, 2011
I am a yoyo
I have been up and down a lot today. Going back to work was incredibly hard being away from my wife. I was worried sick about her all morning until she came online about 5 hours after I got to work since she slept in after being worried herself from when I left for work. There was a huge mental and physical relief that came over me when I saw that first IM message back in reply to the spam wall of messages I had been sending.
I know a lot of what I have written recently has shown me to be the poor human being I am sometimes but please consider that this has been over a period of almost 20 years with my wife. That is a literal lifetime to a lot of people. I'm not trying to make myself better just trying to put things in perspective. I really do want to be the best person I can be for my wife. I know she is everything to me and if I could only ever interact with one person in the whole world for the rest of my life she is that person. We have done a huge amount of things for each other in our time together and I want us to carry on doing those thongs for the rest of our lives.
Tonight we had a lovely meal together that we really enjoyed together. We talked and laughed about things, we looked at each other lovingly, the whole being with your one true love stuff. The meal my wife cooked was stupendous and included the best chips in the whole world (I will not call them French fries, they are chips dammit). The lemon tiramisu was stunning. It is just simple thongs like this together that really bring home how much just being with that special person is more important than anything else ever.
I also gave my wife her dresses tonight and she tried them on. To say she was stunning, beautiful and sexy would be selling her short. I also managed to finish my piece of fiction I have been writing at work for my wife in time to send to her. It is something I find really hard to do but wanted to do it to try and give my wife something from me rather than just the sometimes materialistic part of giving gifts. Not that gift giving is bad but you sometimes want to give something that comes from inside you to the person you love.
It is going to be a long time before things can approach normalcy however they turn out but as always I will keep trying to do the right thing for my wife and I. I'll keep writing about it and trying to live and love (god what a corny phrase) since I can't just give up despite how much of a coward I am. I need to keep fighting the urge to hide and avoid things since in the long run that just makes things worse.
One last message to my wife on this day. I LOVE YOU.
I know a lot of what I have written recently has shown me to be the poor human being I am sometimes but please consider that this has been over a period of almost 20 years with my wife. That is a literal lifetime to a lot of people. I'm not trying to make myself better just trying to put things in perspective. I really do want to be the best person I can be for my wife. I know she is everything to me and if I could only ever interact with one person in the whole world for the rest of my life she is that person. We have done a huge amount of things for each other in our time together and I want us to carry on doing those thongs for the rest of our lives.
Tonight we had a lovely meal together that we really enjoyed together. We talked and laughed about things, we looked at each other lovingly, the whole being with your one true love stuff. The meal my wife cooked was stupendous and included the best chips in the whole world (I will not call them French fries, they are chips dammit). The lemon tiramisu was stunning. It is just simple thongs like this together that really bring home how much just being with that special person is more important than anything else ever.
I also gave my wife her dresses tonight and she tried them on. To say she was stunning, beautiful and sexy would be selling her short. I also managed to finish my piece of fiction I have been writing at work for my wife in time to send to her. It is something I find really hard to do but wanted to do it to try and give my wife something from me rather than just the sometimes materialistic part of giving gifts. Not that gift giving is bad but you sometimes want to give something that comes from inside you to the person you love.
It is going to be a long time before things can approach normalcy however they turn out but as always I will keep trying to do the right thing for my wife and I. I'll keep writing about it and trying to live and love (god what a corny phrase) since I can't just give up despite how much of a coward I am. I need to keep fighting the urge to hide and avoid things since in the long run that just makes things worse.
One last message to my wife on this day. I LOVE YOU.
Today
I just wanted to write a quick post today showing what I got my wife for valentines day. At the weekend she got her ears pierced and although I posted a kind of crappy picture of the earrings I thought I would post a proper picture of them.
I also got her a couple of nice dresses since I love seeing her in them. These are the ones I picked out.
There are still a few other things I have for her. Both of them she already knows about and one of them really is for me. The other is something I've never really tried before and I hope she likes it.
I also got her a couple of nice dresses since I love seeing her in them. These are the ones I picked out.
There are still a few other things I have for her. Both of them she already knows about and one of them really is for me. The other is something I've never really tried before and I hope she likes it.
Redemption
I'm still feeling the need to write a lot about stuff. I have no idea if this is ever going to end and I know my posts come across as confused, rambling long winded affairs but this is how my mind works. For this post I want to talk about another videogame that had an interesting and unique way of telling it's story and how the theme of the game relates to what is on my mind.
The game this time is another very good game from last year Red Dead Redemption, a game set in the wild west. Not the usual wild west you see but this time at the end of that era. The year is 1911 and you start out the game as John Marsten, an ex outlaw who is being forced by federal marshals to track down and kill the members of the gang he was in. As you get to know the main character you realise he is a man who has accepted that he did bad things in his life and is trying to be a better man. However since the US marshals are keeping his wife and son hostage he reluctantly does the marshal's bidding to eliminate the other members of his gang. I'm going to talk about how this game ends story wise so if you care about spoilers just jump to the last paragraph of this post.
As you slowly find and kill the other members of the gang you get to see they are all still still very much bad people and John has to do some things he finds pretty offensive in order to track them down. He does these things though since all along his only intentions are to get back to his family and live a simple life on the small ranch they have. As with most games the final member of the gang you track down is the "leader" of the gang. However it is at this point that the game diverts from the usual videogame storytelling method. Rather than having an end game "boss fight" and finishing you don't actually fight the leader of the gang, you track him down to his encampment in the mountains, chase him down and he jumps off the mountain to his death before you can shoot him. This is the point in most games where the end comes up, roll credits and go back to the title screen. Not in this game however.
What happens next is actually very different. The main character John gets to go home. His family are released and they all go to live on the farm they have. After spending something like 20 to 30 hours at a minimum on the game you now get to spend a few hours playing as John with his family on the farm doing simple things. You get to round up some cattle, scare crows away from the grain tower, take your teenage son out and teach him to hunt. Very simple mundane things that show John is getting what he always wanted. There is even one great scene where John and his wife go to a neighbouring ranch that is run by a middle aged spinster that helped John out at the very beginning of the game. As John introduces his wife to this woman you get to see how wistful this other woman is at not having someone like John in her life. The conversation between the three characters really works and the final part of that scene where the woman watches John and his wife ride away in their wagon is perfectly done.
Anyway, on to how the game now progresses. Once you have gotten used to these simple life John now leads you awake one night to find your ranch under attack. You flee with your family to the barn to get to the horses to escape. As you get your wife and son safely out of the back of the barn on a horse John turns and opens up the door to the front of the barn. He walks out to the US marshals surrounding the bar, there are at least a couple of dozen of them and he is gunned down as he makes one last stand to try and give his family time to escape. Obviously at this point the main character of the game is now dead and you would think this is where the game ends, it does not.
The game then moves on a few years. It opens with a scene with John's son burying his mother next to John's grave at the edge of the ranch. He is now grown up and the date is around 1914/15 or thereabouts. At this point in the game you can carry on just messing around doing side missions since there seems to be nothing to do, but wait, where were the end credits. As you explore you come across one side mission where a man in one of the main towns happens to talk about the marshal kill John. His son asks about him and finds the marshal has now retired to a cabin by a lake nearby with his wife. You then go visit that cabin, find just the wife there and politely ask where the marshal is. You find the marshal is on a fishing trip with his friend so you set off to go find them. While with the wife you do actually have the choice to gun her down or leave her be, personally I left her alone but it is that kind of game. Anyway, once you find the fishing camp you only find the marshal's friend and inquire as to where the marshal is. Apparently he is a little bit downstream fishing and again here you have the option to move on or gun down the friend. Then finally you come across the marshal and a classic high noon showdown occurs and playing as the son you have to gun down the marshal. It is at this point that the game finally rolls credits and ends.
I just thought that this whole method of story telling, especially the end part of it was refreshingly unique in the videogame world and was very well done. The whole nature versus nurture thing comes up with how it ends, the seeming futility of trying to look for redemption and the amazing change of pace that the last few hours of the game take.
How does this all relate to my thoughts at the moment? Simple, I need to seek redemption for what I have done but I know I will never be able to make up for what I have done. I know I will not be forgiven for my transgressions and I don't deserve to be. I know the world does not deserve to have the things I have done being done to it, most importantly my wife did not deserve those things. Still, despite all that, I can't just give up and stay a horrible person. I need to try and be the man I want to be and not fall back in to my broken bad ways. Redemption is not something that can ever be achieved but that doesn't mean I should stop trying to get it. That is half of the point of me writing all this stuff, I'm putting it all down out there so I can't hide from it, I can't ignore it and I can't go back to doing some of the things I did.
The game this time is another very good game from last year Red Dead Redemption, a game set in the wild west. Not the usual wild west you see but this time at the end of that era. The year is 1911 and you start out the game as John Marsten, an ex outlaw who is being forced by federal marshals to track down and kill the members of the gang he was in. As you get to know the main character you realise he is a man who has accepted that he did bad things in his life and is trying to be a better man. However since the US marshals are keeping his wife and son hostage he reluctantly does the marshal's bidding to eliminate the other members of his gang. I'm going to talk about how this game ends story wise so if you care about spoilers just jump to the last paragraph of this post.
As you slowly find and kill the other members of the gang you get to see they are all still still very much bad people and John has to do some things he finds pretty offensive in order to track them down. He does these things though since all along his only intentions are to get back to his family and live a simple life on the small ranch they have. As with most games the final member of the gang you track down is the "leader" of the gang. However it is at this point that the game diverts from the usual videogame storytelling method. Rather than having an end game "boss fight" and finishing you don't actually fight the leader of the gang, you track him down to his encampment in the mountains, chase him down and he jumps off the mountain to his death before you can shoot him. This is the point in most games where the end comes up, roll credits and go back to the title screen. Not in this game however.
What happens next is actually very different. The main character John gets to go home. His family are released and they all go to live on the farm they have. After spending something like 20 to 30 hours at a minimum on the game you now get to spend a few hours playing as John with his family on the farm doing simple things. You get to round up some cattle, scare crows away from the grain tower, take your teenage son out and teach him to hunt. Very simple mundane things that show John is getting what he always wanted. There is even one great scene where John and his wife go to a neighbouring ranch that is run by a middle aged spinster that helped John out at the very beginning of the game. As John introduces his wife to this woman you get to see how wistful this other woman is at not having someone like John in her life. The conversation between the three characters really works and the final part of that scene where the woman watches John and his wife ride away in their wagon is perfectly done.
Anyway, on to how the game now progresses. Once you have gotten used to these simple life John now leads you awake one night to find your ranch under attack. You flee with your family to the barn to get to the horses to escape. As you get your wife and son safely out of the back of the barn on a horse John turns and opens up the door to the front of the barn. He walks out to the US marshals surrounding the bar, there are at least a couple of dozen of them and he is gunned down as he makes one last stand to try and give his family time to escape. Obviously at this point the main character of the game is now dead and you would think this is where the game ends, it does not.
The game then moves on a few years. It opens with a scene with John's son burying his mother next to John's grave at the edge of the ranch. He is now grown up and the date is around 1914/15 or thereabouts. At this point in the game you can carry on just messing around doing side missions since there seems to be nothing to do, but wait, where were the end credits. As you explore you come across one side mission where a man in one of the main towns happens to talk about the marshal kill John. His son asks about him and finds the marshal has now retired to a cabin by a lake nearby with his wife. You then go visit that cabin, find just the wife there and politely ask where the marshal is. You find the marshal is on a fishing trip with his friend so you set off to go find them. While with the wife you do actually have the choice to gun her down or leave her be, personally I left her alone but it is that kind of game. Anyway, once you find the fishing camp you only find the marshal's friend and inquire as to where the marshal is. Apparently he is a little bit downstream fishing and again here you have the option to move on or gun down the friend. Then finally you come across the marshal and a classic high noon showdown occurs and playing as the son you have to gun down the marshal. It is at this point that the game finally rolls credits and ends.
I just thought that this whole method of story telling, especially the end part of it was refreshingly unique in the videogame world and was very well done. The whole nature versus nurture thing comes up with how it ends, the seeming futility of trying to look for redemption and the amazing change of pace that the last few hours of the game take.
How does this all relate to my thoughts at the moment? Simple, I need to seek redemption for what I have done but I know I will never be able to make up for what I have done. I know I will not be forgiven for my transgressions and I don't deserve to be. I know the world does not deserve to have the things I have done being done to it, most importantly my wife did not deserve those things. Still, despite all that, I can't just give up and stay a horrible person. I need to try and be the man I want to be and not fall back in to my broken bad ways. Redemption is not something that can ever be achieved but that doesn't mean I should stop trying to get it. That is half of the point of me writing all this stuff, I'm putting it all down out there so I can't hide from it, I can't ignore it and I can't go back to doing some of the things I did.
Monday Morning Musings
Feeling very down this morning, how did I make such a fucking mess of my life? I've almost destroyed my relationship with the one person I've only ever cared about and loved just because I could not deal with how strongly and confused I felt about my wife. I lashed out and hurt her and someone else badly. I lied about things just to try and make myself feel better. I hid something from my wife that I should have just been honest and up front about right away. I should have listened to my wife and left things alone. There are all sorts of things I should have done but did not.
I should have been the person I always try to be and fail to achieve.
This post may sound like a self pitying, depressed, self loathing me but that is how I am right now. I just want to be home with my wife and forget everything else in my life. I always knew I would be a pretty lonely person, even from a young age. I didn't get along with other people at all, I was incredibly shy and barely said a word to anyone. Growing up through school I had virtually no friends, I was voted the least popular person in school in one of those stupid popularity contests that happen (second place was my one friend at school). Going to university I had people I knew, not friends. Then I met my wife and the scariest realisation came over me. There was a person that I wanted to be with forever, I was not going to be completely on my own forever. There was someone who wanted to be with me of all people, I was so shocked at this, why would anyone want to be with me?
I've never been a perfect person, I've tried to do everything right but deep down I'm still that shy little coward I've always been. I hide from things that scare me, I avoid confrontation and I loathe physical violence. Being who I am has led me to some of the mistakes I've made in life with how I have treated my one true love and I am so sorry to her for that. When things happened recently that I couldn't deal with I hurt all those involved. I then tried to make myself feel better and hurt people even more and feel like I have destroyed my life. I've just about messed up any chance of not going back to being that lonely scared little boy. I am terrified of becoming that person again.
To my wife I am eternally sorry and she is never going to forgive me for what I have done, I can only try and help her in any way I can live the life she chooses to live. I love her with all my heart and will do anything for her.
I'm sorry to anybody directly or indirectly involved in all of this since you don't need this crap in your life. Please just get on with your lives and ignore the me and my ramblings, I'm not important enough to waste any time over.
I should have been the person I always try to be and fail to achieve.
This post may sound like a self pitying, depressed, self loathing me but that is how I am right now. I just want to be home with my wife and forget everything else in my life. I always knew I would be a pretty lonely person, even from a young age. I didn't get along with other people at all, I was incredibly shy and barely said a word to anyone. Growing up through school I had virtually no friends, I was voted the least popular person in school in one of those stupid popularity contests that happen (second place was my one friend at school). Going to university I had people I knew, not friends. Then I met my wife and the scariest realisation came over me. There was a person that I wanted to be with forever, I was not going to be completely on my own forever. There was someone who wanted to be with me of all people, I was so shocked at this, why would anyone want to be with me?
I've never been a perfect person, I've tried to do everything right but deep down I'm still that shy little coward I've always been. I hide from things that scare me, I avoid confrontation and I loathe physical violence. Being who I am has led me to some of the mistakes I've made in life with how I have treated my one true love and I am so sorry to her for that. When things happened recently that I couldn't deal with I hurt all those involved. I then tried to make myself feel better and hurt people even more and feel like I have destroyed my life. I've just about messed up any chance of not going back to being that lonely scared little boy. I am terrified of becoming that person again.
To my wife I am eternally sorry and she is never going to forgive me for what I have done, I can only try and help her in any way I can live the life she chooses to live. I love her with all my heart and will do anything for her.
I'm sorry to anybody directly or indirectly involved in all of this since you don't need this crap in your life. Please just get on with your lives and ignore the me and my ramblings, I'm not important enough to waste any time over.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
How I spend my time
As I've said before I play a lot of videogames, it is my main hobby. Tonight I finally finished Mass Effect 2 , a game I have been playing over the last few weeks since getting it. It is a very good game and my final game clock once I had finished it said 48 hours and 48 minutes (nice little number symmetry there).
I play most of my games on my Playstation 3 and there is a feature on there called trophies, they are little virtual awards given out for doing certain things in games. The Xbox 360 calls them achievements but they are the same thing. After checking which trophies I had managed to get in the game I noticed another nice round number as seen in this picture I took.
Not bad, 1500 trophies overall since they were added as a feature to PS3 games. To give you an idea of how many and how much I play games though consider this, most games have about 50 trophies in them and getting all of them can be very time consuming and a considerable amount of skill sometimes. I have 30 times the amount of trophies the average game has and in only 9 games have I managed to get or wanted to get all trophies. That is a lot of game playing.
Oh, BTW in other news. I had the greatest orgasm of my life today. Hows that for a change of subject :-) .
I play most of my games on my Playstation 3 and there is a feature on there called trophies, they are little virtual awards given out for doing certain things in games. The Xbox 360 calls them achievements but they are the same thing. After checking which trophies I had managed to get in the game I noticed another nice round number as seen in this picture I took.
Not bad, 1500 trophies overall since they were added as a feature to PS3 games. To give you an idea of how many and how much I play games though consider this, most games have about 50 trophies in them and getting all of them can be very time consuming and a considerable amount of skill sometimes. I have 30 times the amount of trophies the average game has and in only 9 games have I managed to get or wanted to get all trophies. That is a lot of game playing.
Oh, BTW in other news. I had the greatest orgasm of my life today. Hows that for a change of subject :-) .
Hello Malaysia
I've been nosy about stuff for quite a while so as part of doing this blog I noticed there is a stats page so you can see how many page views, which pages, where they are from, what browser and what operating system is being used. Kind of neat if you are in to that kind of thing. Not surprisingly all of my page views are from the USA and the UK except one. Somehow someone in Malaysia viewed my blog once. No idea when, who or why but still kind of neat in a small world kind of way. So hello to that person although I doubt you will read this whomever you are.
My wife is a genius
I asked a question on this on this blog a while back to do with why they hell there is the stereotype that British people have bad teeth. After reading that post my wife immediately knew the answer. As usual it all falls back to blame it on the war, WW2 that is. Great Britain being an island had very scarce resources during the war for the obvious reasons and fighting for those almost 6 years took a lot of effort.
Basically any material used for fillings were given priority to making bullets and weapons. The ingredients for toothpaste were extremely hard to come by and so people really could not brush their teeth very often. Most of the qualified dentists in the country were of conscription age and so were called up to fight and/or serve the troops. Also the majority of interactions soldiers etc from the USA had with British people were with the fighting men who really didn't rate dental hygiene up there as compared to staying alive and fighting.
So there we go, an obvious answer to a long time passed stereotype that when I first heard it really made go WTF, that's not true.
Basically any material used for fillings were given priority to making bullets and weapons. The ingredients for toothpaste were extremely hard to come by and so people really could not brush their teeth very often. Most of the qualified dentists in the country were of conscription age and so were called up to fight and/or serve the troops. Also the majority of interactions soldiers etc from the USA had with British people were with the fighting men who really didn't rate dental hygiene up there as compared to staying alive and fighting.
So there we go, an obvious answer to a long time passed stereotype that when I first heard it really made go WTF, that's not true.
How to annoy someone in one easy step
This is rather a simple thing to do. Whenever you are asked "Have you done that yet?" when you know you have not done it yet simply reply "Yes I'll do that now." and proceed to immediately do that thing regardless of it is needs doing right now or what else you happen to being doing at that time. Under no circumstances should you answer the actual question asked.
I'm not saying I do this at all, clearly I don't. Honest guv.
I'm not saying I do this at all, clearly I don't. Honest guv.
Moving on
My wife and I talked again last night, some of it in the evening, some of it in the middle of the night and some of it just as we got up this morning. My wife is of the opinion that she doesn't want to stay with me and I want us to stay together. However neither of us are going to force one choice or another. If my wife ends up leaving then although I won't like or want that I won't stop it from happening. Similarly if we stay together then it must be in a way that we can be happy with and accept.
Speaking of that my wife did tell me that I need to get us moved from the house we are in to somewhere that is quiet and away from other people. Both of us really can't stand the noise and interruption from other people and doing this will bring me out of my comfort zone and prove I can be selfless and do something that I feel uncomfortable with for her. With this there may be a chance of saving our marriage.
I feel completely insignificant right now and this picture really sums it up I think. It is rather large so you will need to view it full size.
Speaking of that my wife did tell me that I need to get us moved from the house we are in to somewhere that is quiet and away from other people. Both of us really can't stand the noise and interruption from other people and doing this will bring me out of my comfort zone and prove I can be selfless and do something that I feel uncomfortable with for her. With this there may be a chance of saving our marriage.
I feel completely insignificant right now and this picture really sums it up I think. It is rather large so you will need to view it full size.
Saturday, February 12, 2011
And now for something completely different
Yes I know I'm borrowing that phrase but I want to write something positive for a change as opposed to the last few days. Life is not all bitterness, ugliness and sadness. There is beauty, wonder and happiness in it too. I want to write about these things as well so that there is a more accurate balance of how things actually are. Things are not all black and white to use a corny phrase, they are not all happy or all sad, they are a mixture of everything and you have to pick what you want out of it when you have the chance.
Let start with something I love about my wife. I first met her by talking to her online on a MUD (go look that up if you have no idea what that is :-) ) I ran at university. Our first conversation were pretty much identical to IM conversations today. I saw then how amazing her wit, her sense of humour and her grasp of language was. She is able to instantly come back with a reply to something someone says that can make you laugh, make you gasp at how clever it is or simply make some idiot shut the hell up since they have no way of thinking up a come back. It is amusing to watch her insult an idiot and have them be completely oblivious to it.
How cool are polar bears? My wife and I went to see them in the wild a few years ago in Churchill in Canada. If you see polar bears in a zoo you are not seeing them at all, you have to see them in the wild. The only shame about seeing them there was that is was an unusually warm October and so there was no snow. However even with that seeing them out there, especially this one large male that must have been over 1000lbs in weight was an experience we will never forget. Also how cute are polar bear cubs?
I love playing videogames, it has been a hobby of mine since literally the 1970s. I find them relaxing, enjoyable and a way to stretch my mind. I love the fact that my wife will let me just sit and play games for hours at a time, there are some days on a weekend when it is all that I will do, we are talking about a dozen hours in a single day.
Time for something about my wife again, she is the most kindhearted generous person I know. She loves giving presents to people, from little things that mean something to them to large wonderful things that the person really wants. She also likes receiving gifts from me but she gives far more than she receives.
I've been earning a good wage for quite a while now, after struggling early on in my career to simply pay the bills it became easier some years after moving to the USA. Once we got to that point we could stop worrying about paying the bills and simply live as comfortably as we want, having that security is a very freeing thing. I don't think I could easily go back to how it was where bills would be paid at the last minute just to keep up with the money coming in and going out.
I've been sitting here writing this post talking to my wife for a little while now this evening and just being together with her like this, talking about happy things. As I write this though her computer just crashed and has to be restarted so I'm going to stop here so she has a reason to start her computer back up again to read this post.
More positive and negative things in posts are coming, I'm just trying to make my thoughts in this blog more like what life is really like and not have them skewed too far one way or the other. There will be highs and lows obviously since that is real but I think on balance it will be as close as I can make it to reality.
Let start with something I love about my wife. I first met her by talking to her online on a MUD (go look that up if you have no idea what that is :-) ) I ran at university. Our first conversation were pretty much identical to IM conversations today. I saw then how amazing her wit, her sense of humour and her grasp of language was. She is able to instantly come back with a reply to something someone says that can make you laugh, make you gasp at how clever it is or simply make some idiot shut the hell up since they have no way of thinking up a come back. It is amusing to watch her insult an idiot and have them be completely oblivious to it.
How cool are polar bears? My wife and I went to see them in the wild a few years ago in Churchill in Canada. If you see polar bears in a zoo you are not seeing them at all, you have to see them in the wild. The only shame about seeing them there was that is was an unusually warm October and so there was no snow. However even with that seeing them out there, especially this one large male that must have been over 1000lbs in weight was an experience we will never forget. Also how cute are polar bear cubs?
I love playing videogames, it has been a hobby of mine since literally the 1970s. I find them relaxing, enjoyable and a way to stretch my mind. I love the fact that my wife will let me just sit and play games for hours at a time, there are some days on a weekend when it is all that I will do, we are talking about a dozen hours in a single day.
Time for something about my wife again, she is the most kindhearted generous person I know. She loves giving presents to people, from little things that mean something to them to large wonderful things that the person really wants. She also likes receiving gifts from me but she gives far more than she receives.
I've been earning a good wage for quite a while now, after struggling early on in my career to simply pay the bills it became easier some years after moving to the USA. Once we got to that point we could stop worrying about paying the bills and simply live as comfortably as we want, having that security is a very freeing thing. I don't think I could easily go back to how it was where bills would be paid at the last minute just to keep up with the money coming in and going out.
I've been sitting here writing this post talking to my wife for a little while now this evening and just being together with her like this, talking about happy things. As I write this though her computer just crashed and has to be restarted so I'm going to stop here so she has a reason to start her computer back up again to read this post.
More positive and negative things in posts are coming, I'm just trying to make my thoughts in this blog more like what life is really like and not have them skewed too far one way or the other. There will be highs and lows obviously since that is real but I think on balance it will be as close as I can make it to reality.
Shopping and piercing
Went out today to shop for a few things and so my wife could get her ears pierced. It is something she fancied doing for a while a we went out and got it done as can be seen in the picture below with the "free" tiny earrings they give you to start with.
Of course this gave us a great excuse to go next door to the jewelry shop and buy her some nice diamond earrings as a valentines days present.
Hmm, annoying that the picture doesn't want to rotate correctly and it is slightly blurry but you get the idea.
She also wore a new dress I got her today and looked amazing in it. I could not help but stare at her all the time.
Of course this gave us a great excuse to go next door to the jewelry shop and buy her some nice diamond earrings as a valentines days present.
Hmm, annoying that the picture doesn't want to rotate correctly and it is slightly blurry but you get the idea.
She also wore a new dress I got her today and looked amazing in it. I could not help but stare at her all the time.
Children
I want to write about my feelings as they are now about having children and how that has changed over the decades and how my wife and I came to be in this situation. When we first met, as all couples should who decide to spend their entire lives together, my wife and I discussed our thoughts on having children. I had not even considered the idea at the time and after thinking about it decided to not have them since that was what I wanted. My wife, as I've mentioned before, was also of the mind that we were not going to have children.
This went on for a long time, eventually in our 30s, I decided to have a vasectomy. There were a few reasons for this, we wanted to experience sex without the interference of condoms, the sheer cost of buying so many condoms, the still ever present chance of accidental pregnancy (which we did go through a scare a couple of times in our lives) and the fact that getting pregnant would be really bad for my wife's health. When I did this my wife asked me multiple times if I was sure and I was. She also offered to freeze some sperm in the off chance that I ever wanted to have children and I also refused that. Right up in to the point in the waiting room before I went to have the operation done she was asking me if I was sure. I always said I was and truthfully at the time I was.
Over the years my wife has always told me that if I ever wanted children I should find someone to have them with. She has been very open with this offer, as long as I loved her and stayed with her and did not love or want the other person she would understand and support me. This is the wonderful woman my wife is. Heck, she even offered to let me sleep with someone else as long as it was only a physical thing and there was no emotional connection just so I could experience what that was like.
It has only been very recently that I decided I wanted children, a few years ago I came to this realisation. I don't know how I came to this realisation but it was an incredibly scary thing to me. I really could not deal with it and hid this from my wife, denied that I felt like this to her and deluded myself that if I told her she would not understand. I know she does understand because I told her not too long ago.
When I told her, which as a posted about early on in this blog, she was as supportive as anybody could hope. I wrote that she finally noticed me crying, finally was the wrong word to use and should not have been written. I did my damnedest to not let her see me crying since I knew she would do what she always does when I cry, try her hardest to comfort me which always makes me feel better and helps me cope with whatever is bothering me.
When we talked out how I felt she offered all sorts of solutions to try and help me deal with this. She helped me talk through whether this was how I was actually feeling or whether is was just some kind of mid life crisis regret moment. There were several options we talked about. She told me we could try to get pregnant and have children despite the fact that it would be potentially fatal to her with her health. We also talked about the possibility of adopting, not a baby but a small child and how we should feel as connected to that child as we would be to someone who was born to us. We talked about the disruption and changes in our lives that would happen if we did have a child. We talked about everything we should have that I had been avoiding talking about all that time. We even talked about the possibility of doing some volunteer work with children just so we could try and bring some good in to the lives of children who need it.
I am disgusted with myself that what is written here is the whole truth and I hid some of this from people reading this blog in order to make myself look better and my wife look worse. I really started this blog to be honest with and about myself and I allowed that not to be true. I didn't want this blog to be funny, interesting or anything that people would flock to in order to read. I simply wanted it to be somewhere I could write everything down, I am doing my best now to make it that place.
This went on for a long time, eventually in our 30s, I decided to have a vasectomy. There were a few reasons for this, we wanted to experience sex without the interference of condoms, the sheer cost of buying so many condoms, the still ever present chance of accidental pregnancy (which we did go through a scare a couple of times in our lives) and the fact that getting pregnant would be really bad for my wife's health. When I did this my wife asked me multiple times if I was sure and I was. She also offered to freeze some sperm in the off chance that I ever wanted to have children and I also refused that. Right up in to the point in the waiting room before I went to have the operation done she was asking me if I was sure. I always said I was and truthfully at the time I was.
Over the years my wife has always told me that if I ever wanted children I should find someone to have them with. She has been very open with this offer, as long as I loved her and stayed with her and did not love or want the other person she would understand and support me. This is the wonderful woman my wife is. Heck, she even offered to let me sleep with someone else as long as it was only a physical thing and there was no emotional connection just so I could experience what that was like.
It has only been very recently that I decided I wanted children, a few years ago I came to this realisation. I don't know how I came to this realisation but it was an incredibly scary thing to me. I really could not deal with it and hid this from my wife, denied that I felt like this to her and deluded myself that if I told her she would not understand. I know she does understand because I told her not too long ago.
When I told her, which as a posted about early on in this blog, she was as supportive as anybody could hope. I wrote that she finally noticed me crying, finally was the wrong word to use and should not have been written. I did my damnedest to not let her see me crying since I knew she would do what she always does when I cry, try her hardest to comfort me which always makes me feel better and helps me cope with whatever is bothering me.
When we talked out how I felt she offered all sorts of solutions to try and help me deal with this. She helped me talk through whether this was how I was actually feeling or whether is was just some kind of mid life crisis regret moment. There were several options we talked about. She told me we could try to get pregnant and have children despite the fact that it would be potentially fatal to her with her health. We also talked about the possibility of adopting, not a baby but a small child and how we should feel as connected to that child as we would be to someone who was born to us. We talked about the disruption and changes in our lives that would happen if we did have a child. We talked about everything we should have that I had been avoiding talking about all that time. We even talked about the possibility of doing some volunteer work with children just so we could try and bring some good in to the lives of children who need it.
I am disgusted with myself that what is written here is the whole truth and I hid some of this from people reading this blog in order to make myself look better and my wife look worse. I really started this blog to be honest with and about myself and I allowed that not to be true. I didn't want this blog to be funny, interesting or anything that people would flock to in order to read. I simply wanted it to be somewhere I could write everything down, I am doing my best now to make it that place.
Friday, February 11, 2011
What I almost threw away
Yesterday my wife gave me my valentines day presents as part of us coping with this and working through it. One of them made me cry as soon as I opened it, it was this.
A pair of interlocking rings on a necklace. It actually says "Love Forever" despite what the picture shows but whatever, that is not the important point. The important point is that she still gave it to me after how I behaved.
The most important person to me ever
With all the self reflecting, the truth and the downright ugliness of what has happened I want to bring one beautiful thing to my blog today. I am posting a picture of my wife, the woman I love, the woman I wronged, the woman I would die for, the woman I want to be with forever, the woman who makes my heart sing, the woman I get butterflies in my stomach when I first put eyes on her getting home from work, the woman I hurt so badly, the woman I want to be the best I am for, the woman I would carry on writing these statements forever for if I could. I hope I've expressed how important and how much she means to me. And now with no further introduction let us move on to the picture.
This is the only woman I have ever loved, kissed, held, made love to, opened up to, felt secure with and she is the most beautiful thing in my life. Before you ask about how I seem to find other women attractive consider the first thing on my mind when I saw my wife wearing this new dress was how amazing she looked and that I wanted to take her right there and then. One lovely dress, no makeup and a stunningly sexy body makes this perfect.
This is the only woman I have ever loved, kissed, held, made love to, opened up to, felt secure with and she is the most beautiful thing in my life. Before you ask about how I seem to find other women attractive consider the first thing on my mind when I saw my wife wearing this new dress was how amazing she looked and that I wanted to take her right there and then. One lovely dress, no makeup and a stunningly sexy body makes this perfect.
Some things to admit
There was a post on my blog earlier about the lies I have told that my wife wrote but I took it down. I lied to my wife about taking it down, on the very first day of promising not to lie to her again. I wanted to write it in my own words, not hide what was in it. So here it goes, a list of lies I have told.
Lets start out with a simple one, I told my friend that my wife did not let me have crab/fish after talking about that. This is not true, my wife will always ask if I want any when we are out shopping and I will refuse. I just said that to get sympathy for myself.
I had four different ways of talking to my friend, this blog, facebook, IM and email. All of these I kept hidden from my wife and told my friend not to tell my wife I was talking to her.
I agreed with my friend that my wife is lazy, saying she only does the laundry and vacuuming. This is also not true, she will load the dishwasher, cook for me, look after our cats, clean my electric razor, etc. She does all of this with a bad shoulder that stops her from lifting anything heavy or straining it. You get the idea, another lie to make myself look good and my wife look bad.
In the morning I often make love to my wife before getting up in the morning. I did that and then as I was getting ready to go to work would talk to my friend online right after I had done that.
I posted on here once that when my wife came back to bed she did it noisily and woke me up deliberately. Also not true, the door to the bedroom sticks and with my wife's shoulder problems it is really hard to open quietly. Now I will also mention the countless number of times I have snored, twitched and woken my wife up in bed. I find it relatively easy to fall asleep after waking up most of the time but my wife does not. Again you can see how I made something look like I was suffering when this was not the case.
When this thing happened it was right after my friend had been on a date. This was just a couple of weeks after my wife and my friend had their big blow up, which was caused by me telling my friend who my wife was, before which she had been completely in love with the person she thought my wife was. My wife (and now myself since I have seen the letters) could not understand how someone could get over what they had so quickly and was trying to tell my friend that who did not want to hear it.
I told my friend my wife would run away and hide from things when they get hard. She does not do that, that is something I do and I've seen my friend do as well. One time I talked to my friend as she was staying "offline" when being online so that she didn't have to talk to my wife but was talking to me. I did not tell my friend that this was a problem but agreed that it was a good idea.
To further go down the fake holiday hole, I did that more than once, creating fake documents, faking phone calls and generally pretending like a holiday was going to happen only to tell the truth at the very last moment that we were not going anywhere.
I once referenced that I had never had a good blow job. This is not true, it simply does not do much for me at all. That is my problem not my wife's problem. She does all the right moves, the things with touching, sucking, using her tongue, blowing, using her hands in the right way but somehow it just doesn't work for me. I hid this fact from her for the almost 20 years we have been together.
This final thing needs to be spaced out from all the above. If you want to know the seriousness of what is going on in my life at the moment know this. After my wife and I had a fairly sleepless night we both fell asleep from pure exhaustion at some time past 2am. A little while later I woke to noises from over by the door to the bedroom. I looked over and saw my wife trying to hang/strangle herself using a stretchy band she uses for physiotherapy stretch exercises on her shoulder. I bolted out of bed and went over and removed it from her neck. This is what we are going through right now and how desperate my wife is feeling over what I have done. I am not going to hide any of this and let people see me as who I really am.
Lets start out with a simple one, I told my friend that my wife did not let me have crab/fish after talking about that. This is not true, my wife will always ask if I want any when we are out shopping and I will refuse. I just said that to get sympathy for myself.
I had four different ways of talking to my friend, this blog, facebook, IM and email. All of these I kept hidden from my wife and told my friend not to tell my wife I was talking to her.
I agreed with my friend that my wife is lazy, saying she only does the laundry and vacuuming. This is also not true, she will load the dishwasher, cook for me, look after our cats, clean my electric razor, etc. She does all of this with a bad shoulder that stops her from lifting anything heavy or straining it. You get the idea, another lie to make myself look good and my wife look bad.
In the morning I often make love to my wife before getting up in the morning. I did that and then as I was getting ready to go to work would talk to my friend online right after I had done that.
I posted on here once that when my wife came back to bed she did it noisily and woke me up deliberately. Also not true, the door to the bedroom sticks and with my wife's shoulder problems it is really hard to open quietly. Now I will also mention the countless number of times I have snored, twitched and woken my wife up in bed. I find it relatively easy to fall asleep after waking up most of the time but my wife does not. Again you can see how I made something look like I was suffering when this was not the case.
When this thing happened it was right after my friend had been on a date. This was just a couple of weeks after my wife and my friend had their big blow up, which was caused by me telling my friend who my wife was, before which she had been completely in love with the person she thought my wife was. My wife (and now myself since I have seen the letters) could not understand how someone could get over what they had so quickly and was trying to tell my friend that who did not want to hear it.
I told my friend my wife would run away and hide from things when they get hard. She does not do that, that is something I do and I've seen my friend do as well. One time I talked to my friend as she was staying "offline" when being online so that she didn't have to talk to my wife but was talking to me. I did not tell my friend that this was a problem but agreed that it was a good idea.
To further go down the fake holiday hole, I did that more than once, creating fake documents, faking phone calls and generally pretending like a holiday was going to happen only to tell the truth at the very last moment that we were not going anywhere.
I once referenced that I had never had a good blow job. This is not true, it simply does not do much for me at all. That is my problem not my wife's problem. She does all the right moves, the things with touching, sucking, using her tongue, blowing, using her hands in the right way but somehow it just doesn't work for me. I hid this fact from her for the almost 20 years we have been together.
This final thing needs to be spaced out from all the above. If you want to know the seriousness of what is going on in my life at the moment know this. After my wife and I had a fairly sleepless night we both fell asleep from pure exhaustion at some time past 2am. A little while later I woke to noises from over by the door to the bedroom. I looked over and saw my wife trying to hang/strangle herself using a stretchy band she uses for physiotherapy stretch exercises on her shoulder. I bolted out of bed and went over and removed it from her neck. This is what we are going through right now and how desperate my wife is feeling over what I have done. I am not going to hide any of this and let people see me as who I really am.
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