I'm going to write some very personal stuff in this post so all those who don't care to know can ignore this post. My life has been a mess at times, I've ended up working so hard and basically ignoring my wife and that strained our relationship to almost the breaking point. It led to infidelity that we worked our way through.
More recently however a situation happened with me, my wife and someone else that started out as one thing. Then it changed to the point where this other person believed my wife was someone who she was not through nobodies direct fault, things just got out of hand. I broke down and did something horrible to both my wife and this other person that caused a lot of pain. However after that I then did something even worse that I know see as being unfaithful to my wife. Once this other person realised who my wife was I started talking to them behind my wife's back. I deluded myself in to thinking that I just wanted this person to get over what had happened and that I was also helping my wife get through it.
It turned in to something where I feel I was being dishonest about my wife and myself and just using it to try and feel better. I basically cheated on my wife just by talking to this person and did nothing to dispel the myth that my wife was not as good as a woman as she is. My wife specifically asked I not speak to this person and yet I did it anyway. Why would I do such a thing to the woman I love? Yes I was hurting and angry at the time I started due to what had just happened between my wife and this person but I was blinding myself to what it was. I reached out to be a friend to this person and skewed their perception of me and my wife unfairly.
You can start to see why I say I'm a terrible person, how could I do this to the love of my life? I really do love my wife but just wanted a friend. I told them things I should have been honest to my wife about though and that is incredibly wrong. I don't blame this person for any of this, I messed up here. I left out things about the past between my wife and I just so I would not look bad. I outright lied to my wife about all this and I complained of things that I should have had the balls to tell my wife but was afraid of the repercussions. Talking to this other person felt safe when that is what I should have been doing with my wife. I did all this while hiding it from my wife. I saw a phrase once that could probably sum up what this is "emotional infidelity".
There, I wrote it, it is real. At least to me it is real and I can try and deal with this now. I'm an emotional retard for sure and I have no idea if I can ever do anything about it and I'm just trying to admit what I am right now. I can go in to specifics of what I did that was wrong but it only exists between the three people involved in this.
I said to this other person that I didn't care that my wife was upset, that I outright hated her for some things. Those were not true, I just wanted to vent my frustration about things and it came out in a horrible way. I think since starting this blog it has been easier to admit the things that I can't deal with or screw up completely. One day I hope to look back on this as a black time in my life where I made yet more poor decisions.
I have to make it clear I didn't love this other person, I only love my wife but something about talking to them helped me deal with who I am. In other words I'm the usual scumbag type of person I've tried so hard to not be and yet I still was weak. I've hurt people so badly and feel like crap about it. I want to be a good person but that selfish part of me inside just wants to mess everything up.
I also need to explain a little about how my wife and I came to be where we are. We met at university a long time ago. She was studying a subject that would have meant her going abroad for a year. I could not deal with that and so she gave it up. Then we both became ill and once we were over that I went back and finished my degree and she didn't. Then when I started working she tried to finish a study at home degree but that happened just before we moved to the USA. Then in the USA due to the way the visas were I could work but she could not and it took 4 years to get our green cards. In that time my wife was unable to do anything to support us and I specifically told her since then that she doesn't need to do anything to help out.
After writing that I think I was trying to make it clear that quite a lot of this I have brought upon myself. I took on the stress of supporting us without giving my wife a chance to help. I let this become of point of contention for me when it was self inflicted. It ate away at me in ways I had no right to let it. I allowed it to turn me in to someone I do not want to be.
More than anything I am incredibly confused at this point. I suspect this comes across really strongly if anybody ever reads this but as I've said before that is not the point of writing all this. I've found this is how I can work things out. I write them down and talk them through with my wife although I need to be better at doing the latter of those two.
I'm probably going to get some more posts out of this and going to scare off any chance of having an audience for this blog but I don't care about that. I just want to be able to think clearly and avoid the mistakes I've made in my life so that I don't hurt the people around me. It's kind of ironic that yesterday I answered the questions asked in that meme with the one for number 2 where I say I just want to make the people around me happy. Makes me kind of hypocritical don't you think.
No comments:
Post a Comment