After a day of talking and working things out I finally realised why I have done what I did. Having a friend was easier than having a wife. My feelings for my wife are so strong and scary that they hurt where as the feelings for a friend are easy and enjoyable. When you have your feelings for the one you love they are at such extremes that the fear of losing them and admitting them is extremely hard to do, especially for someone like me who was raised in a very non emotional household.
In doing what I did I hurt a friend I liked and hurt the woman I love more than I have ever hurt her. In getting through this I have to believe I will come out a stronger person for it in order to survive with these feelings.
In all of this I accept the vast majority blame for what I did to 3 lives, I allowed denigration of my wife to go unchecked because it was easier. I failed to defend her regardless of the situation or who said what. That is what I should have done not just cowardly agreed or let pass anything that was said. I accused my wife of running away from things when that is what I do and did. I retract from an argument in to silence until the other person gives up and ignores me. This is how I came to think of my wife like that. This is what I have done to her for almost twenty years now. I have accused her of being paranoid when she is not being so due to my lying. All these things I admit. My wife defended me and my friend to anybody who tried to say bad things and I failed to stick up for her in the same way. I allowed myself to talk to my friend and slag my wife off and let my friend do the same. It didn't even bother me because it was easier than dealing with the truth.
All of what is being written here is the honest real me. It is not pretty, nice or simple. Like most people I try to project the nice parts of myself and hide the rest but I can not do that in this situation. I need to realise all of what make me like I am in order to deal with it.
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