Today I realized what a terrible shit I am. I've lied about things to my wife, bitched about her unfairly and generally been unfair. I need to get this out if I am going to be honest with myself and try and live my life with the woman I love and have always loved all these years.
I try to be a good ethical kind person but I am incredibly weak willed sometimes and I'm scared that I can't change that about myself. It will keep doing damage to my emotions and those of my wife and I don't know how I can live with that yet.
If people find these posts morose and self doubting then that is just how I feel right now. I promised myself to always be honest to myself here. The friend I lost today was also deceived I think in that I let them believe I was this suffering fool who was being put upon and I used them unfairly to deal with thongs going on between my wife and I that I had no right to do.
I don't know if any of this will make any sense to anyone. This is just my way of going through my thoughts of my feeling for my wife and working out how I care about her. I know I love her but things get confused and difficult sometimes that it is easy to try and escape to someplace else in my mind.
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