I am a yoyo

I have been up and down a lot today. Going back to work was incredibly hard being away from my wife. I was worried sick about her all morning until she came online about 5 hours after I got to work since she slept in after being worried herself from when I left for work. There was a huge mental and physical relief that came over me when I saw that first IM message back in reply to the spam wall of messages I had been sending.

I know a lot of what I have written recently has shown me to be the poor human being I am sometimes but please consider that this has been over a period of almost 20 years with my wife. That is a literal lifetime to a lot of people. I'm not trying to make myself better just trying to put things in perspective. I really do want to be the best person I can be for my wife. I know she is everything to me and if I could only ever interact with one person in the whole world for the rest of my life she is that person. We have done a huge amount of things for each other in our time together and I want us to carry on doing those thongs for the rest of our lives.

Tonight we had a lovely meal together that we really enjoyed together. We talked and laughed about things, we looked at each other lovingly, the whole being with your one true love stuff. The meal my wife cooked was stupendous and included the best chips in the whole world (I will not call them French fries, they are chips dammit). The lemon tiramisu was stunning. It is just simple thongs like this together that really bring home how much just being with that special person is more important than anything else ever.

I also gave my wife her dresses tonight and she tried them on. To say she was stunning, beautiful and sexy would be selling her short. I also managed to finish my piece of fiction I have been writing at work for my wife in time to send to her. It is something I find really hard to do but wanted to do it to try and give my wife something from me rather than just the sometimes materialistic part of giving gifts. Not that gift giving is bad but you sometimes want to give something that comes from inside you to the person you love.

It is going to be a long time before things can approach normalcy however they turn out but as always I will keep trying to do the right thing for my wife and I. I'll keep writing about it and trying to live and love (god what a corny phrase) since I can't just give up despite how much of a coward I am. I need to keep fighting the urge to hide and avoid things since in the long run that just makes things worse.

One last message to my wife on this day. I LOVE YOU.