Told you I wouldn't stop

I am a coward and a liar. I'm not talking about the little white lies people tell in order to not needlessly hurt peoples feelings, I'm talking about dumb hurtful omissions that bite back hard when they come around. I will concoct elaborate stupid reasons in my head in order to avoid something painful to me. I should have just become a fucking hermit because then I wouldn't be hurting the people around me. Let me tell a tale of the ways I've hidden from confrontation and hard things in my life and see how much of an arsehole I am.

• I got us in to $20k of debt with no easy way of paying it off and hid it from my wife. That took years to get out of.
• I promised my wife a proper south pacific vacation and did nothing about it since we were in debt. I didn't admit it to her until the week we were due to go when we had been planning this for months and telling all our family about it.
• I promised to stop lying to my wife and yet carried on with it.
• When asked about I lie I more often than not clam up and get this weird tone in my voice so it is freaking obvious when I do lie.
• I hid the fact that I talked to someone I should not have done multiple time when asked directly by my wife and that led to the mess I am in now.

  If I haven't proven just with these things that I am either the scum most people can stoop to or some kind of ordinary badly flawed human being I don't know what will. I can only hope being honest about all this allows things to move forward in my life somehow rather than staying as messed up as they are right now.

  In all of the above times other than the latest my wife has forgiven me and asked me to promise to not do it again yet it still happens. I may have run out of chances finally and need to give up trying but I just can't stop trying to make things right. If I give up on that I may as well give up on everything completely and I'm definitely not ready to do that.