Feeling strange

 Feel a little bit weird today, I still don't understand how I could have fucked things up so badly. Causing all that pain and anguish just so I could feel better about myself. How the hell did I let myself do that? I was so confused during the tail end of last year, I saw things going on around me that I couldn't wrap my head around and I bounced around between so many emotions. I feel so strongly for my wife that anything that changes things leaves me in an absolute whirl.

  When we found out some years ago that my wife was sick it became very real to me that someday I would be without this woman. The day that happens will be the worst day of my life. She is my best friend, my lover, my confidant, my comfort, my security. She is everything to me, if my parents were to drop dead today I would be upset and sad but if that happened to her my world would end. To know you feel so strongly about someone else is terrifying at times.

  I can't deny that I didn't enjoy having someone who was just a friend. However I reached out for a friend in a despicable way and used that friendship to unfairly get my frustrations out and misled them about me and my wife. They are rightfully angry and hate me now. I deserve that for what I did. I hope my wife can help them get through this and past what I did to them.

  I need to try and do everything I can for my wife, it is the only way I am going to survive which may seem selfish but without making her happy and secure I know I will never be able to live. I need to do my best to make our situation change and not be afraid to say fuck it and give things up if they can't be changed. The only consistent thing I want in my life is my wife and I must do everything I can to make that so.

  I think I'll end up this post with a picture that still makes me sad. This is the cat we lost to FIP TipTup taken on the day before we had to say goodbye to him after he didn't come around from having a procedure done at the vets. At this point his nervous system was so destroyed he could barely move, his legs didn't work, he could only just move his head around and we were feeding him by hand to try and get some nourishment in to him. We miss him so much.