This is going to become boring to everybody but I need to keep talking about this. I can only hope that someday someone else sees this and doesn't make the same screw ups that I did. How I handle this could very well shape the rest of my life and I can only try and let my wife, my one true love, do what is best for her. I know what I want but I need to let her do what she wants regardless of the consequences for myself.
I may end up a lonely old man or I may end up part of an old couple who have experienced everything in life. Either way or however else it ends up that is my lot, I've accepted that. I can only try and make what I want to be happen but I can't force it.
If not for my wife why else have I done what I've done with my life? I was a solitary quiet person before I met her and once I knew her I felt like I woke up and became who I am. I can barely understand how I was able to be what I was like before I met her and fell in love. It all seems so distant and incomprehensible to me now. I know nothing other than being with my wife. I have no friends, nobody else to share my feelings and thoughts with, no-one else who will give a damn about me (parents don't count, they care by default in their own way). I feel like the most self pitying desperate sad man ever right now and I'm just looking for a way to turn the clock back and do over this last screwed up period of my life. I really have made an almighty cock up of it all.
What is worse though is that no matter how bad I feel right now I know that the people I've hurt are feeling even worse and that it is my fault. There is never going to be anything I can do about that no matter how hard I try and I have to live with that.
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